A pre-emptive Happy Halloween to all of my readers. As often happens these days, I lost track of time, but I was quickly reminded of the season last Saturday when I walked into a Shoppers Humongous Drug Warehouse in Huntsville. There, in the seasonal “crap-you-don’t-really-need” aisle, was a young couple, presumably on their way to a costume party, rather poorly dressed up to look like vampires (I would have taken a little more care and pride in my application of white face makeup and fake blood) inspecting plastic hatchets. I overheard the guy say to the girl “I’m not f-ing paying ten bucks for a fake hatchet!” My opinion is that anyone who goes to Shoppers Humongous Drug Warehouse for their Halloween costume needs isn’t trying hard enough. One of my favorite costumes, which I saw in a bar once in Buffalo, was a guy dressed up to look like the San Francisco earthquake. He had the Trans America building jutting out of his midriff. Some people just “get” Halloween, and some don’t. I’ve been out of the Halloween loop for quite some time, but I’m thinking of getting back into it next year. I made a tiny step back into the ring this year; I bought a pumpkin.
I have reached that age when my doctor recommended that I have a colonoscopy. Colonoscopies are sort of mile markers for middle age. Of course, I am thrilled about this. I made an appointment to have the test done by a Toronto specialist, and I was immediately put off by the guy’s receptionist. I don’t need to love to person who books my colonoscopy, but this woman was like a drill sergeant. She immediately began to bark orders about how I will “prep” for the test, and how severely I will be penalized for failure to comply with her strict rules. Anyhow, I booked the test, and shortly thereafter, I received an email from this unpleasant woman, with a three-page list of preparatory instructions. I was to begin cleaning myself out Monday morning, for a test on Wednesday! On Monday, clear fluids only and in the afternoon, my first glass of human Drain-O. Tuesday, some Roto Rooter, more clear fluids, and to top off the day, a nightcap of Citromag. Then, on “game day” I was to give myself an enema an hour before the kickoff, presumably just before I purged myself of my intestines. The whole thing seemed a little harsh, and, the other day, I cancelled that appointment. I have elected to have the test up in Huntsville, and as it turns out, the specialist up here is considerably more reasonable about the pre-test regimen. I might only be miserable for 24 hours instead of three days. My father had a photograph taken of his colon years ago. I use it for a bookmark. Kind of looks like the Holland tunnel, decorated by Cristo.
I’ve got a great idea for a Halloween costume. It may be bit of a challenge, but I have a year to work out the details. I’m going to dress up as my sparkling clean colon. It’s amazing what you can do with latex these days. It will need only to meet my one rule for a Halloween costume: I must be able to drink beer comfortably without removing anything.
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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