OLDIE -The Oppenheimer Report - 9/21/97 Kitty Kelly

There is no shortage of books relating to the Royal family and now, probably because of Princess Diana’s recent death, there is yet another unauthorized biography to throw on the dung heap, this one by Kitty Kelly. In “The Royals,” Ms. Kelly digs her own little cellar out of Royal dirt and, with all the diplomacy and tact of Attila the Hun, she insinuates, among other things, that the Queen Mother could have been illegitimate, and that Charles beat Di during their marriage. Why not just entitle this one “The Royals Are a Bunch of Philandering, Illegitimate Bullies.” I wonder if Ms. Kelly brings up (or just causes others to bring up) the episode in which Prince Charles was caught chasing one of the Corgis around the palace, buck naked, wearing the Queen’s crown, and flailing a broadsword. It’s a good thing they were able to keep that one out of the tabloids. This latest book by Kelly will be just another nail in the coffin of the struggling and scandal-plagued British monarchy, but more important, it is confirmation that the book publishing industry has its share of bottom feeders, just like the tabloid industry.

And speaking of crap... I just watched the MUCH Music Video Awards on T.V. - that’s a Canadian version of M(usic)TV in the States - and I have two words to say: it sucked (as did the MTV version suck last week). I’m not slamming the videos - some of those music videos were extremely creative, but the groups generally stunk ... bad enough in fact to make rap sound good to me. Actually, I’m beginning to like rap ... go figure.

I used to think I was fairly open-minded when it came to the subject of popular music, but I am officially declaring myself an intolerant old fart. I didn’t get the alternative stuff, and I don’t get this latest fashion show. To me, a lot of it isn’t music, it’s bad performance art, and a lot of real musical talent will never get air play because these aberrations with agents are hogging the limelight.

I watched the controversial Marilyn Manson perform the other night ... have you seen this guy? He looks a little like Morticia from the Addams Family and he performed as the last act on the MTV Awards. Dressed in a sort of dominatrix leather teddy, butt cheeks fully exposed, wearing black lipstick and lots of eye makeup, Mr. Manson regaled us all with one of his grating “hit” singles. The music was devoid of melody, his lyrics were unintelligible, though passionately delivered, and the spectacle was intentionally nightmarish. My wild guess is that Mr. Manson wants to use his “art” to decry our vanity-driven society, and that he is on a crusade to rid the world of superficial, fashion-driven icons. He certainly got rid of this fashion-driven icon. Hey, somebody must be buying this crap, because Mr. Manson was one of a number of popular acts (including U2, a band I like) invited to perform at this awards ceremony. Another group I can do without is a British band called Prodigy. Their video won some awards, and I can only say I’d prefer to hear fingernails dragged across a blackboard over this white noise.

When the whole Seattle grunge movement caught fire, and everyone was hanging on Kurt Cobain’s every tortured word, I thought the whole thing was pretty silly. I liked some Nirvanna songs, but when they became the pied pipers of adolecent angst I lost interest. I know I’m just ranting, and I know some of you could care less about my opinions on popular music, but the last thing I want to hear is flash-in-the-pan teenaged chowder heads spewing flavour-of-the-month “music”. I like Rock and R&B with intelligent lyrics, and I can’t seem to find much of it on my radio these days ... at least not in the “new release” category.

I’m feeling especially mean tonight ... maybe I’ll write a book about somebody. Watch out Camilla....

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c1997 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED