OLDIE -The Oppenheimer Report - 9/21/97 Kitty Kelly

There is no shortage of books relating to the Royal family and now, probably because of Princess Diana’s recent death, there is yet another unauthorized biography to throw on the dung heap, this one by Kitty Kelly. In “The Royals,” Ms. Kelly digs her own little cellar out of Royal dirt and, with all the diplomacy and tact of Attila the Hun, she insinuates, among other things, that the Queen Mother could have been illegitimate, and that Charles beat Di during their marriage. Why not just entitle this one “The Royals Are a Bunch of Philandering, Illegitimate Bullies.” I wonder if Ms. Kelly brings up (or just causes others to bring up) the episode in which Prince Charles was caught chasing one of the Corgis around the palace, buck naked, wearing the Queen’s crown, and flailing a broadsword. It’s a good thing they were able to keep that one out of the tabloids. This latest book by Kelly will be just another nail in the coffin of the struggling and scandal-plagued British monarchy, but more important, it is confirmation that the book publishing industry has its share of bottom feeders, just like the tabloid industry.

And speaking of crap... I just watched the MUCH Music Video Awards on T.V. - that’s a Canadian version of M(usic)TV in the States - and I have two words to say: it sucked (as did the MTV version suck last week). I’m not slamming the videos - some of those music videos were extremely creative, but the groups generally stunk ... bad enough in fact to make rap sound good to me. Actually, I’m beginning to like rap ... go figure.

I used to think I was fairly open-minded when it came to the subject of popular music, but I am officially declaring myself an intolerant old fart. I didn’t get the alternative stuff, and I don’t get this latest fashion show. To me, a lot of it isn’t music, it’s bad performance art, and a lot of real musical talent will never get air play because these aberrations with agents are hogging the limelight.

I watched the controversial Marilyn Manson perform the other night ... have you seen this guy? He looks a little like Morticia from the Addams Family and he performed as the last act on the MTV Awards. Dressed in a sort of dominatrix leather teddy, butt cheeks fully exposed, wearing black lipstick and lots of eye makeup, Mr. Manson regaled us all with one of his grating “hit” singles. The music was devoid of melody, his lyrics were unintelligible, though passionately delivered, and the spectacle was intentionally nightmarish. My wild guess is that Mr. Manson wants to use his “art” to decry our vanity-driven society, and that he is on a crusade to rid the world of superficial, fashion-driven icons. He certainly got rid of this fashion-driven icon. Hey, somebody must be buying this crap, because Mr. Manson was one of a number of popular acts (including U2, a band I like) invited to perform at this awards ceremony. Another group I can do without is a British band called Prodigy. Their video won some awards, and I can only say I’d prefer to hear fingernails dragged across a blackboard over this white noise.

When the whole Seattle grunge movement caught fire, and everyone was hanging on Kurt Cobain’s every tortured word, I thought the whole thing was pretty silly. I liked some Nirvanna songs, but when they became the pied pipers of adolecent angst I lost interest. I know I’m just ranting, and I know some of you could care less about my opinions on popular music, but the last thing I want to hear is flash-in-the-pan teenaged chowder heads spewing flavour-of-the-month “music”. I like Rock and R&B with intelligent lyrics, and I can’t seem to find much of it on my radio these days ... at least not in the “new release” category.

I’m feeling especially mean tonight ... maybe I’ll write a book about somebody. Watch out Camilla....

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c1997 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 3/26/07

I’ve never really had a handle on how many people read this report. Perhaps more people read it when I was force-feeding their email boxes with it. I joke a lot in this column about our experiences, and it might appear, to the reader who does not really know us, that we lead a relatively active and normal life. Nothing could be further from the truth. In this report, I rarely make more than a passing reference to Shauna’s illnesses, but perhaps through this week’s entry, I can explain once and for all why Shauna and I lead a relatively cloistered life. A few weeks ago, someone we consider to be a close friend admonished Shauna because, in her opinion, we had elected to attend some event when we had so often declined her invitations. How could Shauna summon the energy to attend this or that event, but so often seemingly push her friends away? This week’s report is for anyone who knows a caregiver or a sufferer of chronic illness. It is from this caregiver’s perspective, and it may perhaps shed some light on the bizarre life we lead. Bear with me, and I promise to be characteristically inane next week.

Shauna suffers from several debilitating illnesses. She has Crohn’s Disease, Fibromyalgia, and a chronic pain condition known today as CMP (Chronic Myofacial Pain), which is sometimes associated with Fibromyalgia. Many people know someone with FMS (Fibromyalgia Syndrome), and some of those sufferers are doing better than others. That is because FMS comes in many forms, and each case is unique. Most sufferers complain of muscle pain, lack of sleep, a lack of energy, etc., but in its more severe form, FMS can be crippling. Some sufferers complain of chronic severe pain, and sometimes that pain is so acute that it makes physical activity extremely difficult.

FMS and CMP are better understood now than they were a decade ago. When Shauna was first diagnosed, almost thirteen years ago, little was known about those illnesses, and many in the medical community flatly denied that they existed. Imagine being told that the pain you feel is all in your head, and that all you need to do is “get on with your life and to quit complaining so much”. Diagnosis and treatment, including pain management, are far more effective today than they used to be, but these diseases, and they are diseases, are still enigmatic, and there is still no “magic bullet” to cure them. The only way I can explain it -- and this is a vast oversimplification -- is that it appears as if something within the sufferer’s brain chemistry goes out of whack, often the result of some physical or emotional trauma, and the “computer chip” in the brain, which regulates everything from sleep, to light and temperature sensitivity, to how much pain a person feels, goes haywire. Where the brain is concerned, there are many mysteries still to be solved. Some patients who suffer from these chronic pain conditions complain of full body migraines. For any of you who have suffered a genuine migraine headache, you will understand that this is debilitating pain. Shauna is, unfortunately, at the severe end of the FMS/CMP spectrum. She is never without pain, and when she experiences a “flare”, when her pain level spikes, it fairly well shuts down any plans we have made.

Living with chronic, sometimes debilitating pain is complicated and challenging. From the standpoint of the caregiver, it is hard because I never know from day to day what we will and won’t be able to do. As well, much of the legwork of the relationship (the errands, the shopping, the “heavy lifting”) falls upon me. As a caregiver, I constantly seek the balance between Shauna’s needs, and my needs. Am I being selfish, or am I merely protecting myself? Sometimes, it can all be quite overwhelming. From the sufferer’s point of view, the challenges are much more complicated. The illness is psychological warfare. On top of constantly feeling like she has the flu, including the attendant aches and pains which sometimes escalate to full blown excruciating pain, Shauna is often disappointed in herself, and she lives with the constant, nagging guilt that she is a burden on the ones she loves the most. Sufferers miss more important events than they attend, and they live with the constant knowledge that almost everything about the active life they once led has been stripped away from them. One psychiatrist talking about chronic illness said that one of the stages of the illness is the mourning process: the sufferer mourns the loss of his or her health. I could go on and on about the challenges we face, but I realize everyone has problems. Ours are worse than some, not as bad as others. I honestly can’t complain, because I genuinely feel that I have found my soul mate in life. Whatever adversity is attached to this relationship is, in my opinion, worth it. I also firmly believe that we were all put on this earth to learn, and there can be no more profound learning experience than chronic illness. If you haven’t already, many of you will face this lesson someday. Thankfully, for most of you, it won’t be until you are old.

In the past thirteen years, we have missed a lot of weddings, funerals, concerts, parties, flights, holidays, and sports events, etc. Often, we will be on our way out the door when we must cancel our plans. We don’t fly anymore, partly because we have missed so many flights. We rarely go to the movies, because Shauna has difficulty concentrating on a film for two hours straight, so distracting is her pain. Instead, we watch videos at home, where we can stop and rewind. Illness is by its nature isolating. We don’t like that; we both used to be very social people. These days, social events are frequently overwhelming, and we often decline parties we would like to attend. The reason we are building our new home away from the city is that Shauna does much better in a clean air environment, away from the frenetic pace of the big city. We hope that one day, we will once again be able to entertain. Shauna puts on a pretty good act, and if you spoke to her on the phone, you’d think she was fine, but almost any social activity is exhausting for her. She has a limited bank of energy, and one night out can set us back a week. Add a doctor’s appointment or two to the equation and you have the makings of a meltdown.

We are managing our life as well as we can, and our sense of humor and love of music keep us sane, most of the time. Everybody faces adversity, and we have become acutely aware of this fact, perhaps because of our circumstances. If you know a friend or family member who suffers from chronic pain or is otherwise seriously ill, try not to judge them too harshly, and do not burden them with your disapproval or disappointment. Instead, try to show that you understand. The attempt alone will be appreciated. However strange our behavior may seem, there is often a pretty good reason. We are painfully aware of everything we miss, and every one we disappoint. Believe me. Thanks for reading.

-Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2007 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED