The Oppenheimer Report 12/28/20

 

A pre-emptive Happy New Year to my readers! All my life I’ve been a cynical person, and for the first twenty years that I wrote the Oppenheimer Report it was mostly about character assassination and tongue-in-cheek commentary on current events. Of late, the reports have taken on a more serious tone. My wife and editor Shauna is concerned that I will lose my “12 loyal readers”, but it’s not as if I’m going to experience Kevin Spacey fall off the face of the earth kind of anonymity, because I’ve always BEEN anonymous! The fact is, I’m a very different person than the guy who started writing this report as a New Year’s resolution in 1992. At the time, my directive was to write a page about the week, a postcard from the edge, and to do it for just one year. One year has turned into 29. I think I might quit when I get to 30. For me, it’s always been about the discipline of writing a page per week; something to give my ever-deteriorating brain a little much needed exercise. It also forces me to sit down and take a moment to assess the week in review. Typically, at the of the year I would try to sum up the events of the year, but I think it would be impossible to do that for 2020. I wrote to someone the other day that 2020 has become a numerical swear word. Go 2020 yourself.

 

I’ve had a melody rattling around in my head for the past couple of weeks, and out of that melody I wrote a song to commemorate Christmas 2020. I wrote the lyrics last week and finished the song on Christmas Day. I was excited to complete a song, any song, because I’ve been in a long creative dry spell lately. The song is entitled “The Good Fight (Christmas 2020)” and I posted my very stripped-down performance of the song on Facebook on Boxing Day. Indeed, this was a strange one for most of us. A lot of people have written pandemic songs lately, and very few of them seem hopeful. The message of my song is that 2020 really sucked, for most of the world, but that I have not thrown in the towel. I wanted to record something for my 12 loyal listeners to acknowledge that there is always hope where there is love. The inspiration for “The Good Fight (Christmas 2020)” was John Lennon’s well-known Christmas song “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”. Although it will not likely be heard by many, I’m glad I put it out there. I needed to end 2020 on a hopeful note. All of my songs are journal entries and I needed to write at least one song to record the remarkable year which has just passed. We can’t change what has happened, and we certainly have little control over the hearts and minds of those who don’t believe what we believe. All I can do is adjust how I behave. This is a pivotal point for mankind. History will likely sanitize the insanity, but I doubt anyone will be able to rationalize it.

 

I didn’t intend to write another report in 2020, but I just had to say this: annus horribilis, don’t let the screen door hit you on the way out.  Kudos to Hunters Bay Radio for giving so many of us locals a voice, and for doing so many good and charitable things in our community. This season Jeff Carter and The Bay Food Crew delivered (I believe) over 1000 full dinners to local food banks, putting a huge dent in the local problem of food insecurity at a time when it is needed most. There are good people everywhere, and I intend to focus on those people in the new year. I hope you can do the same.  Shauna and I are proud and thankful to be affiliated with this great radio station. May 2021 bring us all hope and prosperity. Keep fighting the good fight, and if you don’t believe in the good fight, then “2020” YOU!

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/21/20

 

I’ve known Santa for many years, we used to vacation at the same villa down in the Caribbean. What, you didn’t think he takes time off? Nobody can live in the North Pole year-round, and let’s face it, that job is full of stress. One year, I remember Santa did not go south and went “Here’s Johnny” on Mrs. Claus around mid-March. She had to lock herself in the toy shed for three days. Of course, Santa wears “civies” when he isn’t working, and could easily be mistaken for one of the other elder white-bearded, fair-skinned snowbirds. I’ll tell you one thing, Santa in Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals, and a Hawaiian shirt is not a pretty sight. I worry about his mental health, especially this year with the pandemic, but he’s been through much worse. To follow is a past report which touches upon some of Santa’s past problems:

 

12/24/97 - Yes, only three more shopping days until Christmas, and the stress is omnipresent. I heard on the radio this morning that one in five Canadians polled confirmed, given any more stress, they would just snap. Job security and financial woes top the list of stressors, but the holiday season can be the candy cane that broke the reindeer’s back.

 

I’ve always been sympathetic to Santa Claus, because I don’t think most folks appreciate the pressure that guy is under. It’s feast or famine with him, because he has a slow season for eleven months, and then BANG!, it’s the Christmas push.  For those of you who may not have followed my Claus coverage over the past four years, let me bring you up to speed.

 

First there was the FWI charge (flying while intoxicated) near the North Pole back in 1993. That one almost buried him. Then in ‘94, Mrs. Claus had that fling with the Kuwaiti arms dealer down in Rio. My wife thinks she was going through menaclaus. That was not a good thing for Santa’s mental health. In 1995, two of his key toy-making elves were riddled with bullets in a slide-by shooting. It is a little-known fact that elf gangs are about as ruthless and bloody as they come. Don’t let their size fool you, those little buggers will get you down on the ground and stomp you to death. Then, this past year, there was that ugly tax evasion scandal. I don’t even think Santa should even need to pay taxes, but welcome to the real world.

 

This year is no different, and with the mail strikes, elf walkouts, three reindeer down with hoof and antler disease, two hundred and fifty-three unsettled roof damage lawsuits in New York State alone, the collapse of the Asian real estate market, etc., etc.,  Santa should be one chimney away from losing it.

 

Every year around this time, at least one story surfaces about Santa abuse. I mean abuse TO Santa, not from him. Goodness knows there’s always some unfortunate story about how one of his “helpers” - you know, the ones who are dressed to look like him and work the malls and special events - gets drunk or  mauls  someone. In Buffalo once, and to my complete disgust, I actually saw one of Santa’s “helpers” relieving himself against a building on upper Main Street. It’s not something I want to dwell upon, but it happens, just like it happens to so many other celebrities these days. You get a little bad press and bang-zoom, you’re the bad guy (or gal). Santa can’t be responsible for all the people called upon to impersonate him, and there’s no question we need those helper Santas to assure that the Christmas machine runs smoothly. Anyhow, sometimes those helpers get abused too.

 

Just the other day, I heard on the news that a helper Santa had been fired from some department store after he reprimanded a bad kid for pulling his beard and kicking him in the gonads. If you ask me, any kid who kicks Santa in the balls deserves not only a pile of steaming chicken feces in his or her stocking, but also a compulsory, twenty-four hour, non-stop, Barney the Dinosaur video fest. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they can’t be evil.

 

Anyhow, don’t get stressed this holiday season and, if you get a chance, try and make someone besides a retailer happy this year. For all the hype, and all the artificial goodwill swirling around this time of year, there is a lot of good out there, and a lot of good people want nothing more from you than a little respect and some recognition. Be nice, call someone you know is lonely, help someone out who needs it ... and cut Santa some slack this year, he’s doing the best he can. Happy holidays!

 

I hope anyone reading this report has a safe holiday. Stay connected however you can; this too shall pass. Take care of your family and friends and make the best of these hard times. I’ll be back in the new year.  

 

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/14/20

 

I saw a cartoon the other day and it made me chuckle. I think somebody had doctored up a Peanuts comic and in it Snoopy was sitting on top of his doghouse typing a letter to the year 2020. The caption read: “Dear 2020, First of all, let me say I’m typing this letter with my middle finger.” I think that about sums it up. I recently posted a spoof of a Dr. Seuss book cover, having to do with the controversial issue of masks vs. no masks. Of course, that drew some heat. Zealots rarely have a sense of humour. The other day, there was a post on the Hunters Bay Radio Facebook page, reporting on the Supreme Court decision to throw out the last Hail Mary act of desperation by the Republicans to negate Joe Biden’s obviously legitimate win. That post prompted a thread of unbelievably the nasty, hateful remarks. Everyone is so full of pent up rage that they have completely forsaken common decency and respect. A thinking man might be wondering if the world has finally lost its collective mind.

   

For me, this holiday is always bittersweet in the best of times. It so glaringly highlights the needs of those who are experiencing hardship. I believe goodwill and charitable behavior are to be practiced year-round, but it seems to be emphasized around Christmas time.  Shauna and I just made our annual donation to the local food bank, as we have done ever since we moved up here. This year our gift was substantially larger than usual for obvious reasons. We contribute to many other local charities, and as well to individuals whom we deem to be food insecure or otherwise in peril financially. While we do what we can, especially now, I feel as if it is not enough. Particularly this year, I have the sense that more people need our help than ever, and it can be discouraging. I wish I could direct people away from their fear and rage, but I wouldn’t know where to start. I see the corrosive posts and tweets on social media, and I’m bombarded with news of people’s deplorable behavior, and it seems like Pandora’s Box is wide open. It’s the same old story. This group hates that group because that group has different beliefs. Black, white, red, yellow, rich, poor, masker/anti-masker, liberal, conservative, Jew, Muslim, Christian; COVID 19 does not discriminate. We’re all in peril, and it seems only logical for all of us to get on the same page. Whether you believe we are experiencing a pandemic or not, and astoundingly, many do not, that reality will someday be a matter of historical fact. In the meantime, our health care workers and first responders, woefully undervalued, are at increased risk because uninformed people are free to endanger their fellow citizens. There will always be some who deny reality - I never cease to be amazed that there are still those who deny the Holocaust ever occurred – but never before have I seen so many denying it. I blame bad leaders, but that begs the question, who elected them?

 

Today is Day 5 of Hanukkah. My holiday wish for the world is that we miraculously come to our senses, resist our basest instincts, and take our cues from the heroes all around us. I am fortunate to have known more than a few of them, and I choose to believe and respect those role models. By all means disagree, but agree to disagree, and show a little respect. You may think you know the truth, and maybe you’re closer to it than I am; maybe you’re not. The next time you are about to push “send” with your angry retort, count to ten and maybe don’t do it. That simple act might be a better statement than you would have otherwise made. Hatred and revenge are not the solutions to our problems. Play nice, and Seasons Beatings!

 

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/7/20

 

Is anyone else counting down the days until this abysmal year is over? I don’t know what I expect will happen in 2021, but I’m going with equal parts blind faith and denial. When things get tough, I bury my head in the sand and watch bad TV. Frankly, I do the later a lot anyway. I watched a movie last night which was narrated by a dog, who befriends a cougar. Sometimes I even watch the aquarium channel. Don’t judge me, it’s very soothing. O.K., the dog movie was a bit silly.  

 

Grant Nickalls, Hunters Bay Radio’s inimitable Muskoka Morning show host and my resident mood lifter, admitted on air the other day that he rather likes winter. I don’t mind it all that much either. As a Western New Yorker, I learned to embrace the harsh winters from an early age. Bundle up, suck it up, and get out there. I used to ski a lot, and I skated outdoors, which is much more fun than indoors. After the first appreciable snow, I settle in like a marathon runner and try to pace myself. The first few weeks leading up to the winter solstice are a bit challenging, but then I usually find my stride. I used to look forward to a couple of weeks in a warmer climate, but Shauna and I have not travelled anywhere warm since we were married. I don’t miss the air travel. Likely, there are some grumpy Canadian snowbirds who expected to spend this winter down south, but that ship has sailed. I don’t suspect the borders will open anytime soon, and given the out of control (and completely preventable) spread of the virus down there, I wouldn’t want to take that gamble even if they did. I say embrace your Canadian roots and ride this one out.

 

The other day I re-posted a cell phone video I took at nearby Arrowhead Park a few years ago. In it, I skated around the long skating trail that winds through the woods. I posted the video to remind myself and others that there is plenty about Canadian winters to love. Now that I will soon be able to walk without a cane again, I fully intend to indulge in some of those activities again.  I really enjoy walks on our frozen lake (when it is safe to do so), but last year I only ventured out once. The ice was a little unpredictable due to all the temperature fluctuations. I hope to be out there hiking a bit on my new and improved hip when the opportunity presents itself.  

 

With the pandemic, and all the bad news about lockdowns and warnings to avoid gatherings for the holidays, I know it’s a challenge to stay positive. Even without the latest troubles, I historically struggle to keep my spirits up when the days grow shorter. That said, I try not to be alone with my thoughts for too long, and there is plenty to distract me. I have my soul mate Shauna (and Sydney) to keep me smiling, and I’m using social media and the phone to connect with friends and family. I try to keep my messages positive. Someone sent me a video the other day, and it offered a little perspective about the adversity we currently face. Basically, it pointed out all the adversity someone born in 1900 faced. Perspective and attitude are off course the keys. Right now, I spend a lot of time writing, preparing food, and working on the two music shows I produce for Hunters Bay Radio. I also find that I feel better when I help someone else. My morning ritual is to take a shot of apple cider vinegar and proclaim to myself “Today, do more good than harm”.  At the starting gate for this year’s winter marathon, I remain hopeful that mankind will miraculously emerge from this troubling time, a little stronger and more empathetic than it was before. In the meantime, the lake is beginning to freeze up, and Shauna just baked me some killer cheese muffins. Life is good.

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 11/30/20

 

Yesterday, I went online and watched that famous scene from the Charlie Chaplin movie “The Dictator” wherein Chaplin, impersonating a Hitler-like character, dances around a room tossing a balloon globe into the air. He seems drunk with power. The United States had not yet entered WWII, and this image of a pompous dictator with the funny mustache “controlling” the world probably seemed far-fetched and laughable to its audience at the time. Within two years after this movie was made, the U.S entered the war, and I doubt people thought Hitler was a joke by then.

 

They say the pen is mightier than the sword, and throughout the centuries, satire and humour have been effective weapons to expose the shortcomings of mankind. I believe political satire is one of the foundations of a free society, and sometimes there is no more effective weapon to expose ignorance and boorishness.  Dating back to mid-19^th Century England, Punch Magazine poked fun at the political status quo, both in cartoons and print. In fact Punch may have featured the first widely disseminated political cartoons. Over the years political satire evolved into something a little less subtle. In my youth I was a long-time subscriber to Mad Magazine, which among other subjects poked fun at politicians. I also had a subscription to National Lampoon, which was a little more off colour and biting.

 

These days, television and the internet are the popular mediums for political satire. SNL pokes its fun at politics both in its opening skits and in its Weekend Update segments. I remember Chevy Chase portraying a bumbling Gerald Ford, Dan Akroyd mocking Jimmy Carter, Dana Carvey making fun of George H. Bush, and most recently, Alec Baldwin offering his disturbingly accurate portrayal of the ludicrous Orange Emperor. I think these skits that lampoon the hypocrisy of politicians are healthy. I enjoyed Bill Maher’s edgy show “Politically Incorrect” before it went a little too far and was pulled from the air.  I was also a big fan of Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”, which launched the comedy careers of comedians like Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, and Steve Carell. I suspect learned more about current events from Stewart’s show than I did from clearly biased network and cable news shows. Although I do not watch Stephen Colbert’s late night show regularly, I have been watching his recent opening monologues reprised on the internet. I think they are really good, and his satirical take on American politics is therapeutic to those of us who feel the world is spinning off its axis. His rants purge the rage and helplessness I feel when I see leaders behaving atrociously. Sometimes there really is no other way to attack boorish, unreasonable, irrational behavior than to poke fun at it with acerbic wit.

 

We can argue about what is funny, and what is not, but I fear the point wherein we become so intractable, so adamant about our beliefs, that we can’t laugh at our own shortcomings. The Charlie Chaplin dictator scene to which I refer at the beginning of this report ends with the balloon globe popping in the dictator’s hands after which throws a minor hissy fit. Does that sound familiar?

 

 

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer ©2020 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED