The Oppenheimer Report - 12/1/14

I’m writing this week’s report a bit early as tomorrow we will be otherwise occupied. We are headed down to Toronto to see the legendary Cat Stevens perform at Massey Hall. Since I was a young teenager, I have enjoyed listening to Cat Stevens’ songs, but I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to see him perform live. The album Tea for the Tillerman is one of my favorite albums of all time. It is part of the sound track of my life. Cat Stevens, or Yusef Islam as he now calls himself, does not do a lot of touring in North America, and he does not make it easy to attend one of his concerts. When we purchased our seats to his performance, we were not issued a ticket, but instead a complicated list of instructions for admission. We thought the emphasis on a paperless transaction was an environmental thing, but in fact this complicated admission process is designed to make scalping next to impossible. One must come to the concert with picture identification and the credit card with which one purchase the seats. The person who buys the ticket has to be the one attending the concert with his or her acknowledged guest.  We were told we will be thoroughly frisked for any kind of recording devices, and there is a list of other restrictions, including the maximum size of a woman’s purse allowed! While I am put off by all of this, I am curious to see how it works out, and we really want to see this rare concert. The Stevens concert in New York City was actually cancelled, I believe because NYC by-laws conflicted with these Draconian requirements.
 

There are certain bands and musicians that are/were on my “bucket list” to see. Cat is certainly on that list. So were the Rolling Stones. I finally saw them when they passed through Toronto in ‘97-‘98 on the Bridges to Babylon tour. I had low expectations for the concert, because the Stones were by then well past their prime, but they rocked the house. Yes, Jagger did strut around “like aging poultry” to use Letterman’s description, but they still rocked. I take the Stones with a grain of salt, because they play up the rock royalty thing a bit too much, and they really should throw in the towel, but I have always had great respect for their songwriting ability. They wrote Jumpin’ Jack Flash, for heaven’s sake, one of the best rock anthems of all times. The (original) Who were another band I expected to cross off my bucket list, and back around 1977 I drove from Hartford to Boston to see them, when they were scheduled to play the Boston Garden. Regrettably, drummer Keith Moon was so drunk that after stumbling through one or two songs, lead singer Daltry announced that Keith “had the flu,” and the concert was called off. The Boston fans were not amused and began to break up the seats. I never got to see the rescheduled concert, but having seen videos of some of their live concerts, I’m not all that broken up about it. In 1994, as a wedding present to Shauna and me, Shauna’s brother Jordan gave us excellent tickets to see Pink Floyd when they played the Ex in Toronto. That was a wonderful concert; those guys know how to put on a show. I’d like to have seen the Ramones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Nirvana, but sadly I never will. I never wanted to see the Beatles, because in my opinion they could never have lived up to their studio performances. I would love to have seen George Harrison play as a solo act. Some other performers I regret I never got a chance to see are: Little Feat, Led Zeppelin, The Clash, Cream, J.J. Cale, Bob Dylan (30 years ago), The Band, and The Jefferson Airplane. I have been fortunate to see many good acts throughout the years, and thanks to You Tube, I can at least see what I missed.

 

Tomorrow, Shauna and I will submit to what will likely seem like prison security in order to attend the Cat Stevens concert. He’s been the focus of a lot of bad press over the years, but I think perhaps much of it stems from Islamaphobia.  I am not attending his concert because of his religion or politics. I do not pretend to know whether he is a good man or a bad man, although I certainly would not trust the press or the government to decide that for me. I want to see the songwriter whose songs speak of peace and tranquility, and I want to see this legendary songwriter perform Father and Son, one of my all time favorite songs.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 11/24/14

I am a radar junkie when I know bad weather is blowing in. Early last week, I had the Weather Network bookmarked and consulted it constantly on my laptop.  I was watching for those lake effect streamers blowing in off Lake Erie and Lake Huron. Up here in Katrine we got a pretty good dumping, but the real story was Western New York, where some communities east and south of Buffalo got up to six feet of snow in a very short period of time. That is a lot of snow. The photographs were remarkable. Now, as temperatures warm up, the big concern is that all that snow will cause roofs to collapse and flood the areas hardest hit. This is nuts, I’m already on my second tank of gas for the snow blower in a week! I must mention that the news coverage about this Western New York storm was misleading. When the storm first hit, CNN reported that Buffalo had received the huge amounts of snow, when in fact the city center and points north received comparatively little snow. It was points east and south that got hit the hardest. In this respect lake effect snowstorms are a little like tornadoes in that they can be remarkably narrow in the path they take. A friend from Buffalo remarked that, instead of sending national reporters to the hardest hit areas, a better and more informative news story would have been to place two reporters a mile or so apart in Western New York , one in a hard hit area, and one just outside that area, to show the profound difference in snowfall amounts. My sympathies go out to all the people in my hometown community who continue to struggle with the aftermath of this storm, especially today, when the warmer weather and rain melt those massive amounts of snow.
 
Watching the Toronto news the other night I saw a story about the City of Toronto ordering the Uber car service to cease and desist. While I’ve never used Uber, which is essentially an unregulated car service, relying on the internet and GPS to communicate with its customers, it sounds like a great idea. In a city like Toronto, where cabs can sometimes be difficult to hail, why not offer another viable alternative to private transportation? Perhaps this is unfair competition for the cab companies, forced to abide by municipal laws, but I had to laugh at a city representative who used the excuse that the Uber vehicles were uninspected and unregulated, suggesting that they were potentially a danger to the public. Having ridden in my share of Toronto cabs, I  wondered how much more dangerous those “unregulated” cars could be? The last Toronto cab I took had no shocks and  I felt like I was on a carnival ride. And don’t get me started about the cab drivers. I suspect that this issue has more to do with threats to municipal licensing revenues than protection of the general public.

I don’t know why I do it to myself, but last night, I once again watched the American Music Awards. After it was over, I felt as if I’d just wolfed down two Big Macs. I was ill. I am interested in what passes for pop music in the current market, and I like some of what I hear every year. Lorde and Iggy Azalea … not so much. I think Pit Bull, the host of this year's AMAs, might be the luckiest entertainer in history. Glad to see my man Garth Brooks nominated as a country artist, although he did not win. Garth is a great songwriter and performer, and the song he sang was another winner.

Final note, when I think of fashion photography, which is something I rarely do, a few iconographic fashion photographs come to mind. I think of the famous Richard Avedon photo of Nastassja Kinski draped in a live boa constrictor, or Marilyn Monroe standing over a subway grate holding her dress down, or that woman striking a dramatic pose wearing a Dior evening dress, flanked by two elephants. Recently, and in keeping with our ever-accelerating swirl down the cultural crapper, I saw a recent photograph of Kim Kardashian, looking back over her gargantuan derriere. This photo left me dumbfounded. She could serve full course dinner off that ass! Admittedly the Kardashian circus is not something that I regularly follow, although I am incredulous that this freak show has generated so many celebrities. Hey, I like a good celebrity train wreck as much as the next moron, but this is getting out of control. I saw on the news the other day that there is the recent surge in butt enhancement cosmetic surgery. Huh? I thought women getting their lips fattened was nuts, but now women are having their butts enlarged, so they can look more like Kim Kardashian?!That isn’t just crazy, that’s bat shit crazy.

To all my friends in the U.S., have a Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope you have a wonderful celebration with family and friends. Can’t wait for the Macy’s Day Parade! R.I.P. to former Leafs coach Pat Quinn who died today.

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

 

The Oppenheimer Report - 11/17/14

Jasper surveys the latest snowfall

Apparently we missed the starting gun for winter … I was not prepared! We were a little late scheduling an appointment to have our snow tires put on. After the first significant snowfall a few weeks ago, we called to schedule a service appointment, but the dealership where we store our snow tires was so backed up, it was a week before we could be penciled in. Shauna and I have had three occasions to travel south in the past week or two, twice to Orillia and once to Barrie. Both of these places are in the heart of Ontario’s snow belt, and on two of those three trips, we experienced blinding snow squalls. One minute the sky was clear and the next minute we could not see the cars directly in front of us. It’s feakin’ mid-November! Today, I went to Burk’s Falls for my first physiotherapy session and I was a little concerned about getting out of our driveway. Yesterday, we had a lake effect squall that dumped about 8-10 inches of wet snow (see photo above). Thankfully, our snowplow guy was on top of the situation, or I would have been in trouble. It could be a long winter up here in the near north.

Last Monday I got the green light from my surgeon to begin physiotherapy on my shoulder. I no longer need to wear a sling, and the arm feels pretty good. Today’s session at the physiotherapist involved assessing my current range of motion and taking benchmark measurements to gauge future improvement.  I’m a little sore now, but my incentive is that, once things have loosened up a bit, I might again be able to hold a guitar for longer than ten minutes without discomfort.  I’ll do whatever it takes in order to get my strength and mobility back. I won’t do anything until the therapist gives me the go ahead, but I have a lot of songs brewing in my head, and I'm eager to get that guitar back in my hands.

 

Some of my songwriter friends up here are putting out a Christmas album of songs for the holidays, and I believe most or all of those songs are originals. I got a sneak preview the other day of a song written by my friend Scott Gilson and his partner Amber. It’s called Anticipate and Scott, famous for his unusual guitar tunings, has created a beautifully hypnotic melody for this one. I love the song and I’m looking forward to hearing what the other artists have to contribute as well. All the proceeds for the sale of the CD will go to local food banks, and this is the kind of music project that truly reflects the holiday spirit. Personally, I was never a fan of Christmas, for all the obvious reasons. My songs about Christmas – and I have written two so far – are, not surprisingly, a little dark. The first one is called Nothing Comes for Free and it is a preachy, self-righteous song (Jamie Oppenheimer, preachy and self-righteous? Preposterous!) about the excessive materialism of the Christmas holiday. It is so frightfully dismal and depressing I dare not play it in public, or for anyone really. Thematically, this song lies somewhere between Edgar Allen Poe and Dickens, complete with starving paupers and destitute homeless geriatrics, freezing to death on street corners… a real toe tapper. Sometimes I need to get a song like that out of my system … like diarrhea. A second more recent song I wrote, entitled Merry Christmas to Me, is I think a much stronger song, written from personal experience. When I was sixteen, still living in Buffalo, and during the height of my rebellious youth, I and my cousin John hitched downtown to go to a wild Christmas party. We were picked up by a guy dressed as Santa, driving a beat up red Ford Van  - one of those older hippie vans with the cool headlights. In the passenger seat was another guy, dressed as and elf, and the two of them were half in the bag, drinking Jack Daniels out of the bottle, smoking a joint, and I’m guessing high some kind of hallucinogen as well. Exhibiting the good judgment that so effectively guided me through my teen years, I had no problem accepting a ride from these toasted gentleman, and the song tells the story of that memorable, snowy night. There’s a little hyperbole and poetic license thrown in for good measure, but the message of that song, while somewhat grim, is more focused and personal.

 

Western New Yorkers pride themselves on their ability to party, and while zero tolerance is a good rule by which to abide, back in the 70’s I’ll wager that at least a third of my hometown City of Buffalo was drunk or stoned for most of the month of December. There is even an internet joke I have seen more than once, depicting a driver’s view of an icy road …  the caption reads something like … “Most other drivers would look at this situation and panic, but a Western New Yorker says “Hey. Hold my beer and watch this!” Not entirely untrue.

 

“I used to live my life spontaneously

Embellishing my clouded memories

I viewed the future apprehensively

But that was long before your love came to me.”

 

I may not drink anymore, but I still embellish my clouded memories; I am still the rebel without a clue. If you do plan to party - and by all means, knock yourselves out - find yourself a designated driver, or take a cab. Do not, under any circumstances accept a ride from a guy smoking a joint, drinking hard liquor out of the bottle, and pretending to be Santa; that’s a “red flag.” Santa would never do that.

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 11/10/14

I’ve had a little taste of what it feels like to be one-armed this past two weeks, and boy do I appreciate the ability to use both my arms! I received little post-operative instruction from my surgeon as to what I can and cannot do, and of course Shauna and I disagree as to how much I should do. She’s right, of course, and I need to give the surgery sufficient time to heal before I start using the arm. Driving a car has been particularly challenging, as I would normally use my right arm to insert the key in the ignition, to put on my seat belt, and to place the car in gear. Thank goodness I no longer drive a manual stick!  I now have a little more respect for those who are missing limbs. Later today I am scheduled for my first post-operative appointment, and I’m hoping I can start physiotherapy soon. I am going a little bonkers rattling around the house, doing little but whining. Everywhere there are unfinished projects of mine which require the use of both arms, and of course, there is the guitar which sits on its stand in the living room, taunting me. I have kept the arm immobilized as instructed but now I am eager to see if the surgery was a success. “Don’t it always seem to go you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone …”

 

The American midterm elections have turned the Senate back over to the Republicans, and of course the elephants are boasting this sends a clear message: Americans despise Obama and the Democrats. But come on, has anything really changed? There will still be divisive gridlock in Washington. It’s still the crazy Republican extremists who will make the news for suggesting that Ebola victims should be rounded up and exterminated; it is the Republicans who still believe climate change is a conspiracy foisted upon us by the liberal donkeys, it is those humorless Republicans that are perceived as bible thumping troglodytes. Mark my words, come election time in 2016, no matter how badly Obama stumbles, it will be the Republicans who once again fly off the rails and come across as the party of bat shit crazy nut balls who promote bigotry, religious extremism,segregation, homophobia, pollution, and greed. In short, it will be the same excruciatingly long spin war of opposing television networks and PACS as it was in 2012. As much as we (and by we I mean I) the voters claim we want change, we still vote for the flavor of the month; we still drink the toxic but brightly colored Koolaid. Here’s an idea: take all those billions in partisan PAC money and donate it to UNICEF, Doctors without Borders, and The Red Cross. It could not be spent any worse than it has been so far, and perhaps it would even the playing field. Let the Republicans and the Democrats compete to see which party is the most charitable. Leave the spin to print mediums and cap each party’s campaign contributions to $10Million. When even the new, enlightened Pope is shedding the blinders of ignorance, religious extremism is still gumming up the works of world politics, and certainly of the GOP.  Much was made among the pundits about how badly the Democrats fumbled the ball in the midterms, by distancing themselves from the presently unpopular Obama. It always boils down to bad press, and sadly few candidates have the testicles (or tits) to take the high road. What does it say about us voters that, statistically, we encourage the stalemate by not insisting on an end to the obscene election spending and lack of meaningful dialogue? And therein ends this week’s indignant rant.

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day here in Canada. I have yet to write a meaningful song about the profound sacrifice our veterans have made and our soldiers continue make to preserve our freedom. But my good friend Bobby Cameron did, and if you are reading this, I beg you to listen to a song he recently penned and has just put up on YouTube, entitled Here and Gone. www.youtube.com/user/bobbycamerontv  . It’s one of the best songs I’ve heard in a long time, and I wish I’d written it. It beautifully summarizes the sacrifices our service men and women make for war, and reminds us to show respect and gratitude for the men and women who fight to preserve our freedom. As I watch winter’s grey-white squalls blow in to denude to trees of their last remaining leaves, on this now deserted lake, I thank our veterans for their ultimate sacrifice. I think we North Americans are the most fortunate people in the world.

As always, thanks for reading my self-righteous rants. 

- Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 11/3/14

It is Saturday afternoon as I begin this report, and we have had our first appreciable snowfall of the season. Yesterday morning it came down as wet, sloppy snow, but right now it is cold enough for it to remain on the ground. Shauna has been entrusted with some of the dog walking duties this week as I mend from my shoulder surgery, and I do not envy her. Jasper accumulates wet snow in her fur as she walks, and by the time she is back in the house, she is the Michelin Dog with big balls of snow all over her legs. My sympathies as well to all local trick-or-treaters and their escorts. Halloween has always been one of my favorite times of the year; this is when I catch up on my ridiculously bad horror movies…

I have been an aficionado of bad cinema and bad television since I was a young man, but horror flicks are my passion. I like directors like Ed Wood and George Romero, the low budget guys who make movies so bad they become cult classics. Movie critic Joe Bob Briggs used to rate horror flicks in terms of breast and body counts, but I feel there should be other considerations as well. I saw a horror flick with my friend Bob maybe thirty-five years ago – I think it was called Night of the Zombies- and even by my low standards,  this one was hands down the worst horror flick I’d ever seen. The very first scene was of a zombie munching on an arm, which seemed promising, but it then descended into complete chaos. This movie had absolutely no plot whatsoever, and, to make it especially ludicrous, in between the gory scenes of flesh eating were nature shots which had absolutely nothing to do with the movie. It was as if the director needed some filler, so he just grabbed some stock wildlife footage, and spliced it in. One minute a screaming woman was being eviscerated by a blood-soaked zombie businessman in some big city, and the next, there was a completely incongruous shot of cranes alighting from a swamp. You don’t need much plot for these things, but you need some plot.

 

Years ago, when I still lived in Buffalo, there was a really crappy low budget horror flick filmed nearby in the south towns, and one of my friends was on the crew. It was called The Burning, and it did have a plot, sort of. My friend got a hold of the script one day, and a bunch of us got very wasted one night and tape recorded our “version” of one of the movie’s more inane scenes. Even by our juvenile standards this script appeared to have been written by a ten year old with no imagination, and clearly no idea what actually happens when a man and a woman have sex. I imagine the writer fit the profile of the misogynist video gamers to whom I referred in last week’s report. The movie could have been more aptly entitled Stunted Development. Anyhow, when the movie was (miraculously) released, a bunch of us went to the local drive to see how it came out. I am quite sure there was weed involved in the viewing, because I do not remember much about the movie other than that it sucked moose gonads. It far exceeded our expectations for badness. Added to the obvious movie flaws - poor writing, continuity failures, and abominable acting- this movie had some laughable technical glitches. At one critical point in the movie, when suspense was intended to build, the cameraman chose to adjust the aperture on the camera lens, so that the viewer clearly saw the click stops as the scene got darker, then lighter, then darker again. Remember the old SNL skit with Dan Akroyd’s character Leonard Pinth Garnell, reviewing bad movies? This one would have been a headliner!

In honor of All Hallow’s Eve, last night I watched an episode of the much-touted series American Horror Story- Freak Show, and frankly, I was disappointed. I was hoping for something as creepy as David Lynch’s Twin Peaks or Blue Velvet (two of my favorites), but the show somehow fell short. It features a great cast, and a nice touch is that the creepiness takes place in the 50’s. I don’t think you can’t go far wrong with a bunch of deformed freaks, and a psychotic, murderous clown in the plot, but something was missing. It’s well filmed, but I think the writing was the weak link. I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and watch a few more episodes before I give it the gong. What is your favorite horror flick of all time? Son of Bride of Chucky? Friday the 13^th Pt 25?

                     Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED