The Oppenheimer Report 6/30/14

Photo by Shauna Leigh Taylor

Today’s imponderable question is: Why do any electrical appliances require AAA batteries? They are, in my opinion, a particularly annoying battery. One can find the larger AAs in most stores, but the smaller AAAs are harder to find. Go to any Wal Mart or Canadian Tire in Canada, and the AA’s will be everywhere, but the AAA’s are sold out or not available in the larger economy packages. Also, they are generally more expensive than the AAs, which makes absolutely no sense. We use them in our little OFF mosquito replelling clip on machines, which work pretty well by the way. Several of our LED flashlights use them as well. We go through a lot of batteries in this household. As for rechargeable batteries, fuggetabotit. I have yet to find a rechargeable battery that is worth the powder to blow it away, which is a shame, because it would certainly lessen the battery disposal problem in the world. We have a couple rechargeable portable vacuum cleaners and they are relatively useless. I replaced the large cylinder-shaped batteries in one of my dust busters with what I believed were higher quality nickel metal hydride batteries, but they did not hold a charge any better than the original crappy nickel cadmium batteries. The only rechargeable batteries I have found somewhat useful are the lithium ions I use in my power tools, but so far I have not found rechargeable lithium ion batters available in AA or AAA size. I just bought a cordless weed whacker with a lithium ion battery and it works pretty well. With this new cordless job, I can go up our long driveway and tame some of the dense overgrowth that seems worse than ever this year.

We had a rainstorm a few weeks ago that flooded our property. The newly installed sump pump in our basement pumps at 25 gallons per minute, and it was going strong for well over an hour. Used to be that the rainstorms were soaking rains, good for the vegetation, but lately the rains have been hard and fast. When they come that fast they wash out the roads and flood the lawn before the water can absorb into the soil. Yesterday there were pop up thunderstorms, and one or two of them were quite severe. One minute it was blowing hard and pouring buckets, and five minutes later it was calm and sunny. Today I heard there was a tornado that touched down in nearby Burk’s Falls. I’ve always had a morbid fascination with tornadoes. I wish could see one in person, from a safe distance of course. I feel for the residents in Brandon, Manitoba who have been inundated with floods from excessive rain. But before all you AL Gore supporters tell me this is all because of our excessive carbon footprint, I think weather patterns are cyclical, and this would probably happen whether man was here to screw up the environment or not. I doubt any industrialized country will ever comply with the directives of Kyoto, or any other voluntary agreement to cut back on greenhouse gases, but it probably would not make much difference anyhow. To understand why weather change is impacting us more now than it did say 100 years ago, look at how our populations have swelled. So many people live so close to the ocean. I watched an interesting documentary on Hurricane Sandy the other night, and did not realize that the southern end of Manhattan is landfill. No wonder it flooded. Enough about the weather.   

There is a local record label up here called Tree Ring Records, actually more of a loosely based consortium of area musicians, and it has been instrumental (excuse the pun) in releasing the albums of some of our local artists. It’s a grassroots kind of thing, designed to promote local talent, and, hand in hand with Huntsville’s musician-friendly Hunter’s Bay Radio, it has been successful giving some exposure to musicians who might not otherwise be heard. And, as I have said before, there is A LOT of local talent up here.  My friend Sean Cotton is one of several founding members of Tree Ring, and the other day he did me the honor of inviting me to participate in a summer series of song writers showcases. I and my fellow songwriters will be performing at 4 local venues from Sundridge on the North side down to Bracebridge on the south end, throughout July and August. It’s called Tree Ring Tuesdays, and while I’m skeptical that this will draw any kind of large audience, I welcome the opportunity to play my tunes on a stage with some of my fellow songwriters. It is also a chance for me to develop my anemic performing skills. As I said, it is and always has been my goal to “go plywood” in Burk’s Falls, and I am in the process of forming my entourage now. Happy Canada Day to my Canadian friends and a Happy Fourth of July to my fellow yanks stateside.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 6/23/14

Shauna and I with Lake Louise in the background

I came across a picture the other day that made me laugh out loud. As some of my twelve loyal readers know, my wife Shauna and I used to travel out to Banff, Alberta at the end of May. We spent part of our honeymoon there, and we liked the town and its residents. As well, Banff is a great home base for hundreds of spectacular day hikes in the Canadian Rockies. After a few years we began to be treated like locals, and we made some good friends with whom we still keep in touch. The trip was therapeutic on many levels; certainly it was good for our souls, but as well, for Shauna it was also a partial respite from her chronic pain. There is something about living at a higher altitude that took away some of her myofascial pain, and every year, with every hundred feet we would climb, heading west out of Calgary into the mountains, there would be an audible sigh of relief from my long-suffering passenger. We never really figured out why this happened, but Shauna became markedly more energetic in the high altitudes, and within a week or so after our arrival, we were able to hike and exercise much more than we could back east. Because we stayed for a while, and because we never travel light, we drove out every season, and that drive was sublime for me. Escaping from the fist-clenching congestion of Toronto, where it took me almost 45 minutes to commute the 12 miles to my workplace, I was like a teapot letting off steam as soon as we got into to open reaches of Northern Ontario. From Kenora to Calgary, we were on the open road, and it was always an adventure. What is it about long road trips?

One day, we were in some restaurant, in Canmore, Alberta I believe, and there next to the main entrance was a large Plexiglas box filled with stuffed animals. The catch was that the animals were in little plastic containers, so you did not know what you were getting until it was too late to change. For a loonie, you took your chances. We got a monkey. There is a Peter Gabriel song I like called Shock the Monkey and Shauna used to joke about how she thought the song was actually called Spank the Monkey. I suppose some of you know what that expression means. Bopping the baloney, shaking hands with the unemployed … you get the picture. Of course, our little furry white mascot became “Spank” the monkey, and hanging from the rear view mirror of our Jeep, Spank accompanied us on our travels across Canada that summer. He was an endless source of amusement. We did horrible things to that monkey. At one point, I had his tail sticking diagonally up between his legs and taped in that position, so he looked as if he had a giant boner. People would walk by the car in a parking lot and do a double take. Rather an interesting departure from the fuzzy dice concept.  

I found a picture of Spank the other night, dangling from the rear view mirror with his enormous erection, and in the background were the Canadian Rockies. It made me chuckle, it reminded me of lofty mountain vistas Shauna and I shared and of the many adventures we experienced in Banff, Yoho, and Kootney parks. Spank the monkey reminded me how important it is to laugh and to explore.

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 6/16/14

From the collection of  D. Jordan Taylor

Perhaps this sobriety thing is paying off, because I have finally been motivated to do something I promised myself a long time ago I would do. Although I’ve been writing songs and making rough demos of songs now for well over 30 years, I have never really had the motivation or courage to record a proper album of songs. Life got in the way, and I always had an excuse to put it off before. As well, when one puts one’s art out there and it is rejected, it can be devastating. It is a challenge to believe in myself when so many people in the industry told me I was no good. I chased other artists to cover my songs, and that didn’t work. I submitted my songs to publishing companies, and that was actually destructive. While I expected and welcomed constructive criticism, some of the rejection letters I received were just plain stupid. I very much doubt many of the recipients even listened to the obligatory 30 seconds required to pass judgment, before tossing my tape in the circular file. I submitted my favorite songs to song contests, hoping that one of the featured celebrity judges might hear one of them and see some merit in my ability as a songwriter. This was not only expensive, but also demoralizing. I’d wait expectantly for some indication that someone in the industry had even heard one of my songs, only to be informed in some form letter that my songs were not being considered. No feedback, no proof anyone even listened to them, just “No.” Then, I’d listen to the songs that won the contest and I’d feel as if I’d been cheated. Some of those songs were simply horrible in my opinion. Like so many others, I finally gave up trying to interest anyone in my work, after trying for over a decade. But I never stopped writing songs.

 

Now, thirty years later, I am retired from my “day job”, and the music business is much different. With digital technology and the internet, it is less expensive to reach an audience than it used to be, and artists are no longer prisoners to a myopic and ageist music industry. Also, I am now in a unique environment that fosters and encourages creativity. As of two weeks ago, I have laid down bed tracks for 7 songs and with my gifted producer Juan Barbosa, we have so far completed three finished songs. I love what Juan has done with my songs, and I feel so fortunate to have found a guy who is at once so talented, and who believes in my songs enough to get them right. I know my limits as a performer, but I feel the songs are strong, and I am proud of what Juan has done with them. It is remarkable what can be done to a song by a good musician and producer. I am now almost a third of the way to accomplishing what I set out to do, and I will never again let another’s judgment quash my ambition or creativity. When the album is done, I will put it out there for anyone who cares to listen (even if it is just the twelve of you), and if it falls flat, I’m OK with that. I gave it my best shot, and I can’t disappoint myself if I give it my all. I am so happy to have been embraced with such open arms by this talented and generous Muskoka music community. Regardless of what others may determine, I have spilled some of my blood into these sound recordings, and for the first time in my life, I feel as if I have achieved one of my main goals in life. And I am proud of that. Thank you Juan, from the bottom of my heart, for getting this right. I hope to have a completed album of songs by September/ October. My next goal is to "go plywood" in Burk's Falls. Wish me luck.

Speaking of the music business, the legendary Top 40 DJ Casey Kasem has died at 82. May he rest in peace; sounds like his last few years were a little rocky. I used to enjoy his show.  

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/9/14

With reference to our recent road trip to Connecticut for my 40^th reunion, I forgot to mention that we had a hotel adventure. We were booked into the hotel where the majority of my classmates were staying in Southbury, Conn. There was a block of rooms set aside for Taft reunion attendees and, as we had Jasper in tow, we booked a “pet friendly” room. We did not arrive at the hotel until around 2AM, and when I picked up the key to our room, I realized that there was no way to get to that room without using stairs. With Jasper we had a lot of stuff to unpack from the car, and now we could not use a cart to transport it to our room. Strike one. The room was a dump, but at 2AM, I figured I would take it up with management later. Particularly troubling was the water damaged ceiling in the bathroom. Strike two. When we woke up, I drove in to town to pick up some supplies at the supermarket, and while I was gone, the next door neighbors from hell started screaming at each other and woke Shauna up. With their two completely undisciplined, screaming children and two yappy dogs (who made Jasper look like an angel, which she is not), this was turning into a rather abominable experience. Strike three. Shauna and I actually began to laugh because it was becoming so ridiculous. We reasoned we would be out of the room for much of the stay, and thought that we could live with the hassles. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was that, while Shauna was getting ready to go out, someone in the room directly above us decided to take a shower, and when they did, water began pouring down on poor Shauna as she sat on the throne. That was the deal breaker. We called the front desk, who sent over what I can only assume was a mentally challenged maintenance man to assess the situation. I presumed that, after he surveyed the damage, we would be moved into a more suitable room. Instead, the maintenance man came back with some plastic sheeting and duct tape to divert the water away from the toilet. Not exactly what we had in mind! I calmly went to the manager and explained all that had transpired, perhaps intimating that I was one of those undisclosed internet hotel critics. Ultimately, we were moved to a much nicer section of the hotel, overlooking a lovely river and with no noisy neighbors, and the room was free of charge. Shauna was happy, Jasper was happy, but I would have gladly paid for the acceptable room I’d booked in the first place.

The yin and the yang of summer. I love warm weather, but now that it's tee shirt season, up here in the Great White North it is also biting insect season. Actually, May through October is bug season up here, but beginning a couple weeks ago, the starting gun went off for black flies and mosquitos. During the spring and summer in Canada these insects are omnipresent, and their presence is both loathed and celebrated. Somewhere I believe near Ignace in Western Ontario there used to be a large statue erected of a man being carried away by a giant mosquito. I don’t think there is any repellant that really works for the black flies, which are tiny little creatures, but which leave one helluvah an annoying welt when they bite. Mesh bug suits are somewhat effective, and at this time of year I wear a mesh cover over my head at dusk and dawn. Thankfully, black fly season is relatively short and that plague usually abates by July when the weather gets hot. Mosquitos, on the other hand, are always here when the weather warms up. We have larvicide for our retention pond and rain barrels, vitamin B patches as an alternative to poisonous DEET spray, a propane-fired mosquito “vacuum” which may or may not work,  a battery-powered clip on OFF bug repellant diffuser (which we find is also fairly effective), citronella candles, bug zappers, flame throwers … we’ve got it all, and I am still being eaten alive. This year the general consensus is that the mosquitos are worse than usual. I bought a bug book and I am learning all about them. There are some decent home remedies for the bites. Surprisingly, hand sanitizer works pretty well. Ammonia mixed with rubbing alcohol also seems to help, and is a lot cheaper than “After Bite”. My favorite mosquito weapon is those electric bug zapper racquets. Very satisfying. The other day there were a bunch of the bastards in my car when I left for town, and I almost drove into a tree because I was so distracted zapping them. You hear about not using your cell phone in a car, but I might be the first person to get in trouble for using a bug zapper.

Speaking of annoying insects, later this week Ontario elects a new Premier. Will it be the status quo?

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 6/2/14

The "courting" phase

Presently we have Shauna’s mom up here at the lake house with us. We picked her up on our return from the Taft reunion in Connecticut and rescued her from her 24-7 caregivers for a week. This has turned into a longer stay than we’d originally intended, because we wanted Ethel to be here for our 20^th wedding anniversary. Twenty years ago last Thursday Ethel and my father-in-law Syd made a wedding for Shauna and me that was decidedly the best one I’ve ever attended. Of course I am biased. It was a big wedding, held at the Royal York Hotel in Toronto, and many friends and family from both sides were in attendance. While much of the ceremony was a blur, I do remember Shauna looking like a white cloud floating down that aisle, and I remember the great band Shauna picked (she has great taste in music) for the reception. It was Guido Basso and his big band and boy, did they rock the house. The music, the food, the speeches were all fantastic and the night could not have been a better celebration. One of the best parts about our wedding was that friends and family came from across North America to share it with us. Syd and Ethel made that beautiful wedding for us, and I think it is fitting that the only one remaining parent between Shauna and me should be with us to acknowledge its 20^th anniversary. Too many of the attendees of that wedding are now gone.

We drove down to Bracebridge and had quiet dinner at a restaurant Shauna and I like, overlooking the Muskoka River. We were served dinner by someone whom I do not think had ever waitressed before, but had a lovely meal nonetheless. We took the obligatory selfie outside the restaurant with Shauna’s mom, then headed back up to Katrine. It was hardly the grandiose celebration of the original event, but an appropriate one nonetheless. No marriage is perfect, and Shauna and I have sometimes stumbled over the years. Relationships are hard, and anyone who tells you what is the “right thing to do” to keep a marriage on track had better have been married for thirty or forty years before they call themselves and expert. I am sure there will be other bumps in the road, but what I have slowly come to realize is that this woman is in many ways my foundation. She has seen me at my best and at my worst. We have spent most of the last 20 years in each other’s company, and we have shared a lot of our life so far. She knows me as well if not better than I know myself and certainly better than anyone else in my life knows me. She accepts who I am (although grudgingly when it comes to my chronic messiness) and she loves me, even when I fail. For all those things I love her. She has been my muse these past twenty years, and I doubt I would have proposed marriage in a song to any other woman.

A few weeks ago I walked in to a jewelry store in Hunstville and ordered a custom designed necklace with a pendant which will be meaningful to Shauna. It will be made out of platinum, and it will be my 20^th anniversary gift to her. The pendant will be engraved on the back, but I’m not yet sure what I will say; perhaps something like “Happy 20^th to my Shauna Leigh, and here’s to however many more years we have left together.”

 

A YEAR AGO I DIDN’T KNOW, DIDN’T HAVE A CLUE WHO I WAS WAITING FOR

PASSING TIME IMPERFECT RHYMES, DIDN’T HAVE A CLUE WHO I WAS WRITING FOR/

 

cho: AND I’M TELLING YOU I LOVE YOU, AND I’M ASKING YOU TO PLEASE CONSIDER ME.

     OH PLEASE PLEASE SHAUNA LEIGH WILL YOU MARRY ME?

 

THAT FIRST NIGHT ON THE TELEPHONE, SITTING IN MY BEACH HOUSE ALL ALONE

I LISTENED TO YOUR DISTANT VOICE, AND SOMEHOW I JUST KNEW THAT YOU WOULD BE THE ONE

 

cho: AND I’VE WAITED OH SO VERY LONG, BUT I FINALLY FOUND THE RIGHT WORDS IN A SONG, OH PLEASE PLEASE SHAUNA LEIGH  WILL YOU MARRY ME?

 

I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, BUT TOGETHER WE’LL EXPLORE THAT OPEN ROAD, SO I’M HOPING YOU’LL SAY “YES” SHAUNA LEIGH …. WILL YOU MARRY ME?

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED