The Oppenheimer Report 3/31/14

Though it is rare for us to do much travelling together in the winter, Shauna and I drove down to Orillia on Thursday night, about a one and one half hour drive south from our home in Katrine, to attend a performance of Stuart McLean’s Vinyl Café. Sometimes compared to Garrison Keillor’s The Prairie Home Companion, Mclean’s show is equally amusing and airs weekly on CBC radio (http://www.cbc.ca/podcasting/includes/vinylcafe.xml.)  Shauna and I love Vinyl Cafe, and as an early 20th anniversary gift, Shauna managed to get tickets to this sold out performance. McLean is a very witty humorist, and his delivery is excellent. His featured singer/songwriter for this show was Lynn Miles, and though I was not familiar with her work, I am now a big fan. After the show we were still buzzing with the endorphins that great humor stimulates, and we grabbed a quick bite to eat in town before heading home back up Highway 11. I didn’t think much of the light snow falling as we left Orillia, but within fifteen minutes on the road, we were in the middle of a full blown snowstorm. We drove nervously through whiteout conditions for most of the ride home. As I have said before, that particular stretch of Ontario highway is notorious for its sometimes severe winter driving conditions, and Thursday night was a textbook example. A week into spring and I experienced my first white knuckle drive of the season!

Boy, am I sick of winter! I’m sure the Maritimers are fed up as well as last week they dug out from yet another brutal blizzard. My new project, while I am incarcerated in the icy grip of March, is to re-upholster my couch with groundhog pelts. I’ve got to take this aggression out on somebody, and besides, those weather groundhogs are waaaay overpaid. All the animals around here are freaking out, and we are all ticked off that Jack Frost has not yet thrown in the towel. The locals are calling this the worst winter in 40 years, and I read that this winter has been particularly hard on the local wild life. Deer are starving, especially the fauns, and the migrating birds that have already returned probably wish they hadn’t. Friday afternoon I looked out our front window and spotted a red fox on our front lawn. It is rare that we see fox, and this one looked pretty desperate and hungry. Of course as soon as she saw it, Jasper went into convulsions, and I had to explain to her how lucky she was to be an “indoor dog.” With all the wild turkeys wandering around in the vicinity, I am surprised that fox was in need of food.

They still haven’t found that Malaysian Airlines jet and last week recovery efforts were again hampered by severe weather. Last I checked there was a rather substantial debris field showing up on radar, but so far no confirmations. As one searcher said, they have not yet located the haystack, much less the needle, although as of last week the search was narrowed to a large area four hours off the west coast of Australia. I don’t think there could be a much more remote area to search, and one is reminded how difficult this task is to carry out.  Very hard to get closure when no one knows where the plane went down. Perhaps it flew into a parallel universe.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay front man Chris Martin have separated after ten years of marriage. As they put it, they “consciously uncoupled.” Really? I thought that is something one does to train cars. The big talk and sabre rattling continue over Russia’s annexation of the Crimea, but short of trade sanctions (and are those even effective?) I don’t see anybody stepping in to change things. The Juno Awards took place last night, and just to name drop, we know two of the performers personally. My friend Tim Hicks, who is becoming a huge hit in country music circles, played in the Bachman Turner Overdrive salute, and our friend Mark Puffer was band leader for the Gord Bamford Band. Both of these guys are talented, hard-working musicians and it was good to see them play on Canada’s center stage for music.

That’s all for now. Time to go into town for my physiotherapy session. A few months ago I slipped on the ice and injured my shoulder. Just another casualty of this lovely winter. It’s almost over, right????!!

 

     -  Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 3/24/14

Yesterday, I travelled down to Bracebridge to attend the live recording session of friend and fellow songwriter, Sean Cotton. The studio where the recording was to take place was is called Ghetto Blaster Sound Factory, and I figured with a name like that, it would not be hard to find. I was wrong. I followed the directions on my GPS and, uncharacteristically, it did lead me to the general vicinity of the studio. As the GPS lady with the Aussie accent announced that I had reached my destination, I looked around to discover that “there was no there there.” I found myself in an industrial park which was, by all appearances, empty. Immediately to my right there was a parking lot full of empty school buses, in front of me a bunch of empty barn-like buildings, and to my left there were a few industrial buildings. It was then I recalled another musician friend telling me that this place would be hard for me to find. I drove all over the area looking for any signs of life, but there were none. Had it been a Saturday, perhaps there would have been someone walking about to ask, but all I saw was the snow blowing horizontally on an industrial wasteland; a flashback to how I spent a good part of my 25 years in the industrial real estate business. With fifteen minutes left until the recording session was to start, I got the sinking feeling I was in the wrong place, and I was cursing myself for not getting better directions from Sean. I called Shauna at home and asked her to look up the studio to see if there was a telephone number, and perhaps some directions that I had overlooked. She gave me a phone number to call, which of course was someone’s cell and unavailable. Then there was a stroke of luck. While I was on the phone I saw a taxi cab drive by in this otherwise deserted area, and I thought, this must be someone headed to the recording session. I followed it and sure enough, the cab stopped at a nondescript metal shed,completely hidden behind another industrial building, with no visible signs from the road. There was a guy smoking a cigarette outside a door with “MUSIC STUDIO” written on a cardboard sign in magic marker. I had reached my destination. I am happy I made it, because the recording session was interesting, the music was fantastic, and I had a chance to talk with Mike Lopez, one of the founders of Tree Ring Records and a musician with whom I had wanted to connect for a while. All in all, it was a good experience. 

I wish I understood global politics better, because I do not know what to make of Russia’s annexation of the Crimea. Some have likened this action and the U.S. decision to invade Iraq. In terms of “right" and "wrong” or "legal" and "illegal" I have no idea. I watched an interesting interview on Jon Stewart last Monday with some expert on Russian affairs who seems to feel that Putin’s decision to annex the Crimea was ill-advised. Apart from the kangaroo court referendum held to “let the people decide” there is the damage done to Putin’s credibility in the U.N. Now Russia faces economic sanctions from Europe and North America, but Putin doesn’t seem to care. He appears to be preparing to take over the entire Ukraine. What will “Mommy Jeans” Obama do about this one? Conservative pundits are comparing Obama to Putin and painting him as spineless and ineffective, but come on.  You’ve got to love Fox News for their unbiased reporting.

As I began writing this week’s installment there was still little to report on that missing Malaysian Airlines jet, but there were aerial photographs of some large pieces of floating debris which might have been from the crash. I haven’t seen this much rampant speculation about an unsolved mystery since the OJ trial. Nobody really knows what happened, but as each news source scrambles to break the big story, everyone is rolling out the flight experts, the psychologists, the fire experts, and even the completely unqualified to offer an opinion. If it sells ad space go for it, right? The problem is, there are hundreds of devastated families trying to find out where their missing loved ones have gone, and this kind of reporting must be hurtful to them. Did the pilot try to hide something by deleting files on his flight simulator, and is this some kind of red flag that he is a bad guy? Maybe he was just doing what a pilot should do in a crisis. I read an interesting theory on the disappearance of Flight 370, written by one veteran pilot. He suggests that all this speculation about nefarious intentions is off track, and that some other kind of catastrophic event took place on the flight. He suggests that an electrical fire might have broken out causing the tracking devices to stop working, and that the flight pattern was consistent with a pilot trying to land at an appropriate runway, found along the diversionary track. This line of thinking may turn out to be closer to the truth, but we may never know exactly what happened. I'm not sure there has ever been such a comprehensive search for a missing airplane

Watching one of those music competition shows the other night on TV I noticed a female vocalist who was otherwise attractive, but who had multiple face piercings and a grim, pale white complexion – sort of that heroin sheik look that was so fashionable among the emaciated supermodels ten years ago. I decided that her stage name should be “Zombie Tacklebox.” Then I started to think, “Hey, what a great name for my first album!" Look for James Oppenheimer’s seminal first effort “Zombie Tacklebox,” recorded at Ghetto Blaster Sound. I can picture the cover photo now!

 

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 3/17/14

With spring scheduled to arrive on Thursday, I’m not running out to buy plants for the garden just yet. This has been a ballbuster of a winter, and if I hear the term polar vortex one more time, I’m going to hunt down a groundhog and strangle it with my bare hands (just kidding, I’ll use a gun). Due to this frigid winter and the wild temperature fluctuations, we have had some weather-related issues at Jasper Bark Lodge. For one thing, there have been some roof problems. Ice build-up in the valleys of our roof has been an issue in the past, and a few years ago we installed heat lines to keep that buildup under control. This winter was so unusually cold winter, most of the time it was too cold for the heat lines to be effective. Our Hydro bills have been astronomical (don’t get me started on the electric company!) so I unplugged the heat lines during the extreme cold snap. As it turns out, that was a big mistake.  I forgot to plug them back in when the temperature rose, and now we have thick ice covering our roof, blocking drainage in the valleys. In places the ice is a foot thick on our roof now, and it could be a while before it melts. We should also have been shoveling the snow off the roof as it accumulated, but again, the weather was a factor. Our roof is about 25’ at peak, steep, and a little dangerous to be walking around on in the winter. Next year I will not make the same mistakes.

Another unanticipated problem related to the temperature fluctuations is that the logs which make up this house have been checking (cracking) more than usual. Moisture in the logs expands, and sometimes it sounds like a gun going off. It is quite alarming when that loud bang goes off at 3AM.  I’ve heard a few locals complain about this happening to their houses as well, and there is very little we can do about this. A minor casualty this winter was the starter motor on my ATV. I tried starting the bike one morning when the mercury dipped to about -15F, and that apparently put undo strain on the motor. After a few tries, it finally burned out. Live and learn. Better to run a trickle charge on the battery in extreme temperatures, or put some kind of low voltage heating device on the engine block. Again I am learning from my mistakes, but I am hoping this winter will not be the norm from now on. Between the issues with propane delivery, the occasional inaccessibility of our driveway, and the weather related mechanical failures, this winter has been Snowmageddon for us. While next week promises to be a little warmer (it was -11F last night), I think it will be a while before we see robins on the lawn. Because of the volume of snow we have, the concern on the minds of many locals now is flooding. Every spring there is a debate about how the municipalities regulate the flow to the waterways that take spring runoff down to the Georgian Bay, and I’d sure like to know what they’re going to do about it this year. Last year we had bad flooding and it was a relatively mild winter.

Did anyone see that mock interview with Zach Galifianakis and Justin Bieber on the internet comedy show Funny or Die? Tres Amusant. Galifianakis has done a lot of these spoof interviews, including one with President Obama, and from what I have seen I think they are pretty funny. Galifianakis reminds me a little of the late Andy Kauffman, channeled with Bob Newhart. While his edgy, off-putting humor makes me a little uncomfortable, he also makes me laugh.

They still don’t know what happened to the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Malaysian authorities are finally on record as confirming it must have been some kind of hijacking, but have not been particularly cooperative in sharing their information with outside investigators. Watching the bizarre flight path, and knowing that several different tracking devices had been consciously disabled, one is left to conclude that this was some sort of foul play. Still, apart from speculation- and there has been no shortage of that - no evidence has yet surfaced to indicate exactly what did happen to the jet or to its 239 passengers. I think it is probably at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, and the more time that passes, the less likely it is that anyone will know the truth. What was the motive? I feel terrible for the families of the victims. The uncertainty about what happened, coupled with the increasingly likelihood that this was some kind of terrifying hijacking, must be torture for these surviving families. Who did this? Was it the pilot, the co-pilot; one of the passengers on board?  Some have suggested the missing jet secretly landed somewhere, but that seems unlikely. This was a big jet, requiring a skilled pilot to set it down, not to mention n at least 6000’ of runway. Perhaps they will eventually locate the jet, but the search field keeps getting wider and the clues are still few and far between. Very strange to have something so big simply vanish into thin air.

Come on spring!!

 
Cold vinyl car seats, wipers that freeze
Scrape the windshield search the snow for my keys
Five layers of clothing, thermal socks on my feet
Winter is kicking the crap out of me! (excerpt from Cabin Fever)

  -  Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 3/10/14

ENOUGH ALREADY !!!

Shauna and I went to a CD release dinner/show at Michaels on Main up in nearby Sundridge last Thursday evening to celebrate the release of local singer/songwriter Sean Cotton’s newest CD, entitled Sean Cotton's Wooden Spaceship. Also on the bill was Scott Gilson, another talented local artist, who capably performed several of his own original tunes. While there wasn’t a huge crowd – it’s tough to get people out on a school night, especially during this oppressive winter - it was one of those magical nights I wished I’d recorded. Sean was “in the zone” and he impressed both Shauna and me with his songwriting and performing skills. He simply reinforced what I have come to know over the past several years, namely that this little community is brimming with talent. Sean is an interesting guy, and while I don’t pretend to know him well - in fact I just met him a month ago - I have grown to respect him for what he is doing. He moved up to Burk’s Falls about 4 or 5 years ago after working as a successful professional musician in Toronto for about 15 or 20 years. If I can read between the lines, he got tired of touring with a band, and of the toll that takes on one’s personal life. He moved up north to Burk’s Falls to settle down and focus more on his family life. His quality of life may have improved but he has done anything but settle down. He is actively involved in the burgeoning local music community and, along with several of his musical colleagues, has formed Tree Ring Records, a sort of loosely based musical consortium, focused on shining the spotlight on the huge pool of local talent. He is a modest, remarkably talented musician and songwriter, and he has been a great influence on the local songwriting community. I hope that I have the opportunity to collaborate with him in the near future.

I thought Mayor Rob Ford came across as relatively sane on Jimmy Kimmel last Monday. He remained standing after nine rounds of Kimmel pummeling him with those incriminating videos, and that was no mean feat. I am reminded of the very contrite Hugh Grant appearing on Leno years ago to make a public apology after he had had sex with some Hollywood hooker. Somehow that did not really hurt his career, other than that he lost his girlfriend, British supermodel Liz Hurley. The beleaguered Toronto Mayor kept his composure and took the abuse, looking appropriately embarrassed, yet not falling into the trap of trying to defend himself. The subtext: let he who has not been so completely hammered that he forgot that smoking crack was outrageously bad judgment cast the first aspersion. Face it, haven’t we all been there? No? Most people would think Ford was insane to put himself at the mercy of a guy like Kimmel, but I suspect it was a good public relations move. Really, what has Ford got to lose at this point, the guy is the most recognized international buffoon of the year? He has already suffered about as much public infamy and ridicule as any one man could fear to achieve, and as I said in last week’s report, now it’s time to let the dysfunction work in his favor. Ford is basically saying yes, my personal life is a bit of a train wreck, but I don’t take any crap from the hypocritical politicians with whom I work; and oh, by the way, who among them is without sin? It may come down to lies, damn lies and statistics. Has he actually done good things for the Toronto taxpayers, as he claims he has, or is it all crack smoke and mirrors? He still denies that he has a drinking problem, and I think this is going to bite him in his gargantuan ass. Whether or not the Toronto police chief, or Ford’s other political enemies want to smear his reputation, he is digging himself a pretty deep hole. Even some of his own supporters must wish that his circus would pack up and move to another town. Appropriately, he looked somewhat clownish on Kimmel’s show, dressed a bit like a 40s gangster, all in black with a bright red necktie and handkerchief. All that was missing was the Tommy gun. Again, if this hail Mary spin works, what is the down side?

Just after they did such a nice job hosting the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, Russia has sent troops in to occupy the Crimean Peninsula, and threatens to annex it. Sabers are rattling, and I wonder if we’re headed for another cold war. A Malaysian Airlines jet disappeared from radar en route to Beijing, and so far no one knows where the jet or its 239 passengers have gone. Rather strange that two of the passengers on the flight were carrying stolen passports, but so far no one seems to know what happened. There was a scary segment on 60 Minutes last night about data brokers, the companies that harvest your personal information every time you log on to the internet. If you thought it was your little secret that you have been visiting that bestiality website, guess again. Seriously, I do not think about the fact that someone is watching my every click on the internet, but I have always suspected that this was going on. All those "cookies" are not for eating. We may think we are password protected, but the horse is out of the barn and he didn't look before he leapt.

I wonder what kind of dirt we'd find on Rob Ford’s computer?!

  -  Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 3/3/14

I listened to an interesting piece on the radio the other day about a study suggesting that new technology is rewiring the minds of children. Apparently, kids are becoming so used to instant gratification, and instant information, that their attention spans are suffering. It is possible that the whole process of learning is changing. Not a good thing, the study implies. For a long time I have suspected this to be true, and I see evidence of this everywhere from customer service departments to the ways in which young kids interact with each other. Take away the cell phone, and the computer, and the television, and you might as well be locking your child up in a Turkish prison cell. Do you ever wonder what happens to a kid’s brain when he or she plays a violent video game for hours every day? When one is rewarded for eviscerating one’s foe with a chainsaw, or exploding someone’s head with a ray gun, doesn’t that have an effect on one’s perception of reality? I think it must.

In the news last week, the mayoral race is beginning to heat up in Toronto. Likely because Mayor Rob Ford has made such a circus out of Toronto City Hall, prospective candidates are eagerly throwing their hats in the ring to dethrone him. It most certainly won’t be pretty, and Ford has vowed he will battle to keep his job. The I’m-Not-The-Crack-Smoking-Drunken-Bum-Who-Urinates-In-Public-Places-And-Calls-The-Police-Chief-A-F-ing-C-cksucker-I’m-The-Other-Guy” ticket will only get you so far, and Ford opponents should expect a nasty, dirty campaign, full of mudslinging and baseless innuendo … you know, like any election in the United States. The problem with running a squeaky clean campaign is that eventually, most politicians are revealed to have some skeletons in the closet, and the glaring light of hypocrisy is particularly bright when shone upon the self-righteous. I can’t wait for this race to get going; it will be just like the last Republican primaries in the U.S.! My early prediction is that Conservative John Tory, who lost to Ford in the last mayoral election, will give the bellicose mayor a run for his money this time around. Tory is a smart, capable guy, with a good track record. As for his behavior, Tory seems like a class act, and certainly presents himself well when compared to those bullying, championship wrestler wannabes that are Doug and Rob Ford.  I can’t wait to see what mud the “Ford Nation” will try to sling at this seemingly eligible candidate. If Tory has any weaknesses, best to reveal them early and take the wind out of the sails of those tag team goofballs. I can’t wait to see what Jimmy Kimmel does in his upcoming interview with Ford tonight. I’ve got a haunting suspicion that Ford might figure out a way to use his infamy to his own advantage. Remember, spin wins. We all know how stupid and impressionable voters can be, myself included. People sometimes vote for the devil they know. “Hey, I’m no choirboy, but…”

Speaking of Sponge-Rob Tent-Pants, one of the above photographs was lifted from the Times Picayune in New Orleans, and it is a picture of one of the floats in a recent New Orleans event known as The Krewe D’Etat Parade. Clearly this float is taking a swipe at our illustrious mayor, and perhaps at other elements of Canada as well, but isn’t it wonderful! I think the photo speaks for itself, but all the floats in this parade were creative and bitingly satirical. Google 2014 NOLA.com/ The Times Picayune to see the other floats in that parade. By comparison, the second photo featured above was taken last Saturday at the world famous Katrine Karnival Parade,  which conveniently takes place less than two miles from our house. Our budget up here is a little smaller, but we do the best we can. As is usually the case, there were more people in the parade than watching it. This year I participated in the bed race competition, and our team won our first heat before a devastating crash took us out of the running in the second heat. I feel there was illegal contact with the other bed racing team, but the replays were inconclusive. We live and breathe excitement up here in the Great White North and our parades rival anything them Frenchies in Louisiana got to offer ... and that polar kotex don’t bother us!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2014 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED