The Oppenheimer Report - 6/25/12

Do you use a GPS in your daily travels? My wife Shauna has been trying to get me to use one now for three or four years, and I still prefer a decent map. The best GPS I owned was my first, an enormous Garmin, and it was Bluetooth enabled. The reason it was so big was that it had a great speaker. By the way, how did someone come up with Bluetooth as a term for wireless? I’ve got a new term I’ll call “Browntooth.” If something is Browntooth capable, that means it is codger friendly. I used that big GPS mainly as a hands free device for my cell phone and it worked fine. Infrequently I used it for navigation, usually if I was trying to get home from some unfamiliar location. Sadly it broke, probably because the suction cup which held it to the windshield kept letting go. After it dropped on the dashboard about forty times, it finally ceased to function. I have yet to find one of those windshield mounts that works properly, and the GPS always drops off when I’m least prepared to deal with it, frequently while I’m driving in traffic. I have owned two GPS devices since that first Garmin and both have been completely unsatisfactory. The problem I have with GPS devices is the problem I have with all new technology. Designed to make our lives easier, it often does just the opposite. My wife will spend an average of three minutes programming hers to guide her to a destination she should know by heart, only to discover that the location does not exist, because she has not performed the necessary, ongoing, and often time-consuming computer map updates. Don’t even get me started on the software glitches involved with that annoying task. Currently I own a TomTom and it might be the worst electronic device I have ever owned. This thing makes a salad shooter look indispensable. First of all, it is decidedly not Browntooth capable (i.e. codger friendly); requiring four or five steps on multiple screens (they all use touch screens, which I find annoying) to accomplish simple functions. Secondly, it malfunctions constantly. The latest problem is that it will not turn on. Even when it is plugged into an electrical source, it will not stay on, indicating to me the inaccessible rechargeable battery is kaput. When it did work, the most maddening glitch was that its Bluetooth (hands free) function periodically went haywire. Sometimes I’d be using the speaker function and the thing would go nuts, sounding a bit like a audio CD that is skipping. When this happened, it froze like a computer, and I could not even turn down the volume. This of course is horribly distracting when one is barreling down the highway at 65MPH. I think one day soon I will videotape myself batting this device into oblivion with my Louisville Slugger, and then post the video on YouTube. The catharsis will be worth every penny of it’s vastly depreciated value, and I‘ll wager other disgruntled codgers will empathize. As I said, give me a can with a string and a map.

June 20 has come and gone, and the first day of summer was a scorcher. Celsius is confusing to me; give me the real temperature. I’ve grown up with Fahrenheit readings and it’s all I understand. Multiply by this and divide by that and add 32 … that’s too much work for me. We’ve had a lot of crazy pop up thunderstorms up here in the GWN, with deluges of rain. Last Thursday there were damaging winds throughout Ontario. Down the road from us someone reported car-damaging hail. Last week I had our snowplow guy Harvey come by to fell some of our dead trees. With the winds we’ve been experiencing, it‘s just a matter of time before one of them falls over our driveway. The guy is over 70 and he can fell and cut up a tree in about the time it takes me to start my chainsaw. They grow ‘em tough up here.

In the news, former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky was convicted last week of 45 counts of sexual abuse on young men. It amazes me that so many complaints went unaddressed for so many years, but I guess nobody wants to mess with a winning football team. Somehow the defense argument that all his victims were looking for some kind of windfall did not fly with the jury, and Sandusky will likely spend the rest of his life in prison. I give him six months in the general prison population before some vigilante gives him a mortal “wedgey.” Nobody likes a child molester. Mohamad Morsi of the Muslim Brotherhood is the new president of Egypt, and it will be fascinating to see how the balance of power shifts in that country. The Arab Spring might be over and it could be a long hot summer. And Syria just shot down a Turkish jet, increasing tensions in the Middle East. Final weather note: Will Debby do Dallas? Tropical Storm Debby is dumping copious amounts of rain on the Gulf Coast, but is it headed for Texas as a much bigger storm? Perhaps my next GPS will be able to tell me. Tyuh!

　



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RSERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/18/12

First order of business. In this report I have frequently referred to myself as the “Muse of Misinformation,” because I rarely fact check my sources. In a recent report I spoke of an email I received from a friend indicating that Mr. Rogers had been a Navy Seal. Apparently this is far from the truth, and one of my Twelve Loyal Readers set me straight. The email about Rogers was an urban myth, and apparently, Rogers never even served in the military. I’m not sure about Lee Marvin and Bob Keeshan. I guess I should know better by now, because I have fallen prey to these internet myths before. Cass Elliott from the Mamas and the Papas did not choke to death on a ham sandwich, either. There are entire websites devoted to debunking urban myths and internet prevarication. I remember years ago receiving a video which appeared to show corn kernels being popped by the microwave radiation from cell phones. That too was smoke and mirrors. Of course this is just another reminder to me that one cannot always trust the information one receives. While held to somewhat higher standards, the news media makes mistakes as well. I have often heard or read “facts” about some breaking news story which ultimately turn out to be completely wrong. And “the truth” as reported by CNN and Fox News is likely to be vastly different. If anyone treated this weekly nonsense like a hard news I’d be amused, because I’m more moron than Morrow. Just so we‘re clear.

Regarding this week’s picture, last summer I wrote an article about the experience of being attacked by seagulls, and it happened again last weekend. Putting about in my little dingy while exploring a rock island near our house, I heard the familiar war cry, and before I knew it, two seagulls were playing Kamikaze with my boat. As happened last year, they were protecting their newborn chicks, and this time I had my camera handy to shoot a good picture of the chicks. They looked pretty new. I’m no fan of seagulls, but these chicks were so ugly they were cute.

In the news there were out-of-control wildfires in Colorado, floods in Florida, more bloody conflict in Syria (are we calling it a civil war yet?), and of course Prince Philip’s bladder infection, but last Friday night the big story was Nik Wallenda. Heir to the throne of the famous Flying Wallendas, and grandson of Karl Wallenda, who plunged to his death while performing a high wire stunt in Puerto Rico back in the 70s, Nik thrilled millions of watchers as he walked the high wire across Niagara Falls. While many have gone over the falls in various contraptions, some not so successfully, this was history in the making. According to an article I read in the National Post - and again, I have not checked the facts elsewhere - nine people have walked across the Niagara Gorge on a high wire (none since 1896). One guy allegedly did it with a washing machine strapped to his back and when he got to the middle, did a load of laundry ... I’m serious, that’s what the article said! Hey, I read it on the internet, it must be true. Too bad there was no video back then. I think Wallenda is the first to cross the Horseshoe Falls. I watched the whole show Friday night, including the two hour build up recounting the top twenty daredevil stunts. Hey, give me a break, we’re into summer repeats. I couldn’t believe some of the stunts I watched. One guy on a dirt bike jumped to the top of a ten storey building using a giant ramp, then dropped back down onto another ramp to ground level. Another guy in a wing suit jumped off a cliff in China and flew through a narrow tunnel. That guy had previously had a serious crash, so that stunt was all the more hair-raising. Still another thrill seeker strapped himself to a jet propelled wing contraption and flew in formation with other jets. And I think I’m being brave when I put extra jalapenos on my taco.

For me, the strangest part about Friday’s high wire stunt was to listen to Wallenda talking to the media while he was in the middle of the stunt. The guy is straddling a high wire, facing swirling winds and heavy precipitation, and there he was talking about the special high wire shoes his mother made for him. Apart from the daunting challenge of actually doing the stunt, Wallenda faced an uphill battle just getting the necessary permission to proceed. It took him around two years to obtain approval from the U.S. and Canadian authorities, and about $1.3 Million to pull the stunt off. There was much discussion about the various challenges he faced, including the potential for a Peregrine falcon attack (I hear they’re even worse than seagulls). I think Nik Wallenda wins this week’s Tenacious Daredevil Award. Funambulist - a new word for my vocabulary.

And for future reference, I don't mind when my readers correct me. It means someone is actually reading this weekly report and, in my opinion, it is an honor to be read.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RSERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/11/12

I seem to spend a lot of time in this blog raging against the machine, and more specifically against the relentless march of technology. I suppose I‘m just turning into a grumpy old man, but I do seem to spend an inordinate amount of my free time trying to get some confounded electronic device or another to operate correctly. The other day, on my drive into Huntsville I had two different cell phone problems. As required by law, I use the hands free features on the phone, but while en route it simply stopped working. I pulled over and spent ten minutes simply trying to get my stupid (smart) phone to turn on. I must have inadvertently pushed something and now the phone would turn on and then immediately shut itself off. Then the Bluetooth stopped communicating with the speaker in the car, and that seems to be an ongoing problem having to do with my very disappointing Tom Tom GPS. After another fifteen minutes of fiddling around with that piece of crap, it began to operate properly on its own. There seems to be the obligatory half hour of time spent every day fiddling with some software glitch or malfunctioning hardware. While I concede that most of my problems fall into the category of “operator error,” some of this electronic stuff is just not user friendly. They should have a special section of Consumer Reports devoted to Codger Friendly electronics. Just give me a can with a long string.

While I do grumble incessantly about technology, there are some pretty cool things one can do on the computer today. The other day, Shauna wanted to see where a newly discovered relative lives in Ontario, and she, who is much more inclined to embrace new technology than I, consulted the new and improved Google Earth. For the three of you out there who may still not have heard of this internet feature, Google Earth is a satellite function which enables the user to beam in on any point on planet earth, simply by punching in a location. I have glided over the mountains of Palm Springs, California in a failed attempt at nostalgia (I did not recognize a thing and it seems the city has changed a bit in the past 50 years), and taken an aerial tour of the coast of S. Africa. I have not used this feature in a few years and they’ve improved it immensely in that time. I read somewhere that the technology is so advanced that now there are privacy issues. Finally, I can find out what’s been going on at Area 51!

Spain got her bailout, except we’re not calling it a bailout, it’s an investment in solvency. What a surprise, the stock market rallied. Every time we loan someone $125 Billion that seems to happen. Ireland and Greece weren’t too happy about this latest Euro bailout though; I think they were actually required to be accountable for the money they were loaned. Parts if the Florida Panhandle and coastal Alabama are underwater after heavy rains hit the area, with three to six more inches of rain expected in the forecast. We’ve been having a lot of weird pop up thunderstorms up here in the GWN, including a little golf ball sized hail and a funnel cloud not from our house. The LA Kings won their first Stanley Cup tonight beating the NJ Devils decisively (6-1) in Game 7. And how many years has Toronto failed to even make the playoffs?

　

　

　

　

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 6/5/12

Last Monday was Memorial Day as you all know, and one of my military friends, a colonel who had been one of the excellent nurses we had caring for my parents, sent me an interesting email. The heading read “Why Mr. Rogers Wore a Sweater” and it went on to describe three unlikely war heroes. The first was actor Lee Marvin, who had served honorably in WWII, the next was Bob Keeshan, A/K/A Captain Kangaroo, and the third and most unlikely hero was Bob “Mr. Rogers” Rogers. Apparently, years before he became the gentle and kind children’s television character, Mr. Rogers was a Navy Seal, specially trained in hand to hand combat! According to what I read, Rogers had 25 enemy kills to his credit. The reason he always wore long sleeves was to hide his wartime tattoos. Who knew Mr. Rogers was a badass? Anyhow, there is a very good reason we celebrate Memorial Day; one I so often overlook. I thank all the people who have put their lives on the line so that I may enjoy living in a free country.

In the news last week, chalk one up for the Free World. Charles Taylor, ex-president of Liberia was sentenced to 50 years in prison for war crimes he committed against neighboring Sierra Leone. The guy practically invented the term “blood diamonds,” and among his countless other atrocities, he is accused of forcing young children to become murderous soldiers. Flat picking bluegrass legend Arthel “ Doc” Watson died at 89 of complications from colon surgery last week in is home state of N. Carolina. I’d never listened to Doc Watson before but just downloaded one of his later albums. It’s a little too hillbilly for me, but the guy could pick. There was a destructive earthquake in Northern Italy, Syrian diplomats were expelled from 11 Western countries in response to the latest massacre in Houla, and Mitt Romney cinched the Republican nod, to nobody’s surprise. Canada is back in the news with the story of that creepy guy in Montreal. Did you hear about this Luka Magnotta guy? He ice-picked his boyfriend to death, filmed and posted the murder on the internet, then cut the victim up and mailed the body parts to various government officials. He may not be Jeffrey Dahmer, but he gets an honorable mention. Today he was finally apprehended in Berlin. But the big story: Queen Elizabeth celebrates her 60 years as reigning Monarch England. I watched a bit of the festivities on Sunday, because there was boating involved. It was the mother of all flotillas. A thousand boats representing the 16 Commonwealth nations motored by the Royal family on the River Thames as the Royals waved enthusiastically in the heavy rain from the Spirit of Chantwell, A/KA The Royal Barge. Twisted soul that I am, it occurred to me that if someone had an RPG, they might have taken out the whole Royal Family with one shot. Chow Britannia. I give the old girl credit, she and the ailing Prince Philip stood through the four hour marine event, and that could not have been easy. Of course this Diamond Jubilee is a big deal. I’ll bet Elton John will rewrite yet another one of his songs.

I can’t believe Mr. Rogers was a Navy Seal. I’ve got a picture of him somewhere wearing a bathing cap in the pool. It just goes to show, you can’t judge a Seal by his cardigan.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED