The Oppenheimer Report 1/31/11

The other night, I played an open mic in downtown Toronto, and afterwards I took the subway home. As I was riding in the almost empty car, with my guitar case propped up in front of me, a strange man came up and sat in the seat directly across from me. He looked bedraggled, as if he might live on the streets. His clothes were dirty and worn, his winter jacket was torn and taped up in many places, and he stared directly at me with eyes that were just a little too wide open. I don’t know why, but the crazy ones always single me out. He finally introduced himself to me, which I thought was rather odd. He said his name is Bruce, and then he pulled out what looked like an IPhone and took my picture. I remember thinking, “where does a homeless guy get an IPhone?” He said something about how musicians have a tough job, and he wanted a record of this hardworking musician (me), coming home weary after a long and thankless gig. I chuckled to myself. What a pile of crap! This guy thought I was a hard working/struggling musician, wearing my expensive Roots baseball jacket with the custom embroidery. Didn’t he know an old guy having a mid life crisis when he saw one? He must have been busting my chops. You meet some strange people on the subway in the wee hours of the morning. Just about the time I was sure he was going to lunge at me and bite me in the jugular vein or something, he simply got off at the next exit. No goodbye, nothin’. And I thought we were friends. Just another one of Toronto‘s early morning ghosts. I’m a little concerned about WHY he took a photo of me. He’s probably got a collection of the future victims he stalks, and the photos are his trophies. He’s like that serial killer Dexter on the HBO series, who collects blood samples from all his victims. Someday I will disappear but my ear will be mounted in a shadow box frame with that photo next to it, hanging on the wall of some godforsaken crevice of the Toronto subway, with a little bronze nameplate entitled “Hardworking Musician.”



Fitness guru Jack Lalanne died last week at 96. That guy was amazing; he did some crazy things on his birthday. Back in 1955, the year I was born, he swam from Alcatraz to Fisherman’s Wharf, handcuffed. That’s a really tough swim with one’s hands free. On his 70th birthday, he swam a mile towing 70 boats behind him filled with people. I remember seeing some of the video of that stunt. The way he took care of his body, I thought he would outlive the cigar-smoking George Burns or, at the very least, my father. In commemoration of his life well-lived, I watched one of Jack’s juicer infomercials the other day. What they don’t tell you about those things is that they make more noise than a jet engine. I remember watching Lalanne on television a long, long time ago, back in the Howdy Doody age of black and white television, and I remember thinking to myself even as a very little boy, “that guy is nuttier than a fruitcake.” I mean take-your-picture-on-the-subway crazy. And I remember his white dog. I wonder if he made that dog do push ups and drink carrot juice.



Finally, what is going on in Africa?! First Tunisia, then the news that Sudan may be dividing, and now Egyptians are calling for Hosni Mubarak to step down. Back when I subscribed to the now defunct National Lampoon Magazine, one of their writers referred to him as “HoseMe” Mubarak, which seems apt given his reputation for repression. This latest unrest reminds me a little of Iran when they threw out the Shah. Eventually, the 400,000+ Egyptian troops in the street, charged with taming the angry masses (62 reported dead so far) will come to terms with the fact that they’re backing the wrong horse and when, as I think he might, Mubarak finally steps down, it will be interesting to see what kind of Egypt emerges. I don’t know anything about Egyptian politics, and Egypt is a far cry from Iran, but could fundamentalism creep in? Will these events endanger Israel, and will Egypt remain an ally of the U.S.? After all, it was probably the billions in U.S. aid that allowed Mubarak to remain in power for 30 years and to rule with such an iron fist. This diplomacy and nation building business is tricky, isn’t it?



Well that’s about it, I’ve got to go to bed.  After all, we hardworking musicians need to get our rest. Here’s another subway scenario … he was a harmless, albeit eccentric TIME photographer doing a shoot on downtrodden musicians in Toronto subways, and I just happened to be the subject he chose to exploit. Am I now going to become famous like that homeless announcer guy Ted Whatshisname did? I can only dream.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 1/24/11

Today I want to explore the aberration in my character which compels me to remain a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. I liken it to being a cross dresser, or a serial killer, or some other pariah from society. I was a Sabres fan for thirty years before I became a Leafs fan, and that was marginally less masochistic. Still, nothing could prepare me for the heartbreak and disappointment I was destined to feel when I donned the blue and white jersey. Year after year, I keep hoping that this will be the season that the Leafs do not entirely suck. Year after year, I tell myself this or that hot rookie will be the key to unlock their Stanley Cup potential. A new coach, a trade, a new goalie … nothing seems to make a difference; it’s as if the team is cursed. Somewhere in a dark basement, there must be a deranged voodoo witch doctor, probably hired by an Ottawa or a Montreal fan, sticking pins in dolls depicting Leafs players. Year after year, sometimes by the beginning of January, it becomes painfully evident to all but the most firmly entrenched in denial that the hapless Leafs are once again swirling down the toilet drain. There is an amusing music video spoof which is less than sympathetic to Leafs fans and highlights the long standing rivalry between Montreal Canadians fans and Maple Leafs fans. It has gone viral on YouTube. A lot of Leafs fans were apparently offended, but if you’re going to root for the Leafs, you’d better be ready to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (and criticism). The sad part about it is that, Toronto Maple Leafs fans are possibly the craziest and most enthusiastic, supportive fans in the league when their team achieves even the smallest success. Torontonians would go crazy and there would be wild parties on Yonge street if the Leafs even made it into the first round of the playoffs. I knew a waiter once who (hand) painted his entire car with the Leafs colors and emblems, and THAT is devotion/stupidity. Perhaps I’ve answered my own question. Why have I remained a Leafs fan? Because most of them are as deranged as I am.




A few weeks ago, I touched upon the censorship of Mark Twain’s words, but there’s an even more ridiculous misuse of censorship going on in Canada right now. Some of you may be familiar with the old hit single “Money for Nothing”, by the popular band Dire Straits. There’s a line in that song which includes the word “faggot”, and because someone took offense to the reference, twenty-six years after the song was released, the CBSC (Canadian Broadcasting Standards Council) in their infinite wisdom, decided the song should be banned from the airwaves. While I am not entirely against censorship in certain circumstances, I don’t know where to begin explaining why this is ridiculous to me. In the context of the song, the offending word more than likely refers to the overpaid spandex-clad poodles who headlined the ubiquitous “hair bands” of the eighties, and has more to do with arrogance than homosexuality. But the thing that really puzzles me is why it took 26 years for this to offend anyone. I know more than one gay man who loves that song - it’s a great, hooky rock tune - and somehow they got beyond the derogatory expression. Girl up, you bozos at the CBSC, and find a more worthy recipient for your red ink. My bar for censorship is a little higher, and if the words work within the context of the piece, leave them in! Mark Knopfler was not, in my opinion, making a hateful statement about homosexuals when he referred to faggots, he was making a statement about silly pop fashion. When words are meant to be hateful, and when words do cause genuine harm, then talk to me about censorship.



Final notes. Cameras are everywhere. Most of you have read or are at least familiar with  the Orwell novel “1984“, and that was the first time I remember hearing the term “Big Brother”. Long before Julie Chen was hosting a reality TV show by the same name, the concept came to be associated with hidden cameras and loss of privacy. Nobody would know who Rodney King is if someone hadn’t videotaped him getting beat up by the LAPD. A few days ago, I watched something absolutely incredible on a Toronto 24 hour news station, and it made me realize that cameras really are everywhere. There was a horrific accident on the notoriously dangerous Hwy. 401 near Toronto. A semi truck crashed through the guard rail and plowed into the lanes of oncoming traffic, and someone filmed the entire accident from an oncoming vehicle (I hope it wasn’t the driver!). He was right there when the truck blasted through the guardrail just in front of him. Thankfully no one died, but what a shocking video that was! Pretty soon, every volcanic eruption, every earthquake, every tornado, every lewd act, will have a video record. These days, one never knows when one will be filmed in public. We’re filmed in supermarkets, at ATMs, on street corners, even in our apartment buildings (the lobby channel is one of my favorites!). There was a funny video on the news the other day of some woman who, distracted while she was texting, fell into a pool of water at an indoor mall. Of course that video ended up on YouTube for all the world to see, and, understandably, the “victim” was humiliated. I think she even tried to sue the mall owners for releasing the video.



What a faggot!



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 1/17/11

Last Saturday, I attended the Toronto Boat Show with my pal Bob and we both confirmed the fact that our aging vessels will have to suffice, because comparable new ones are prohibitively expensive. Eventually I will replace “Old Smokey,” the name I have lovingly given my 22 year-old Yamaha outboard, but when I do, it will likely cost more to replace than the boat, motor, and trailer cost me in 1989. And in the news …

As almost always happens after a mass shooting like the one that happened last week in Arizona, people who know the murderer come forward and say, “yeah, he sure seemed scary and dangerous.” All you need to do is check out Jered Loughner’s mug shot to come to the same conclusion! Ultimately Loughner was suspended from the college he attended because he displayed aberrant behavior, but one wonders how such a disturbed person fell through the cracks undetected. Once again, there are indignant cries for gun control, and while I don’t like guns, I feel the same way about gun control legislation as I do about carbon taxation; I don’t think it is very effective. It wouldn’t hurt to make it harder for people to acquire guns, especially unhinged psychopaths, but we must address the underlying culture of violence, because people in America will always be able to get guns. The same gun debate took place when Seung-Hui Cho went nuts in 2007 and murdered 32 people at Virginia Tech. One of the most interesting interviews I watched was with David Kaczynski, brother of Ted Kaczynski, The Unibomber, and the guy eventually responsible for turning his notorious brother in to authorities. He said that denial played a large part in his hesitancy to act. He’d suspected that his brother was mentally ill for a long time, but never dreamed that the illness would manifest itself as violence against others. And by the way, Ted Kaczynski killed 3 people and injured 23 others, without using a gun.

One of the discussions that filled the airwaves right after this latest tragedy happened was whether or not right wing hyperbole factored into the killer’s motivation. Does Sarah Palin’s verbal polemic and use of the controversial crosshairs symbol on her website incite unbalanced citizens to fly off the handle? My goodness, I hope that isn’t all it takes. If people start to follow that moronic Mama Grizzly, then I think guns are the least of our worries. Of course, that was CNN’s take, I imagine Fox had a different angle. The way I see it, there are simply a lot of loose canons out there, and every so often one of them goes off. My question is, WHY is America one of the most violent places in the world, and why do we have so many political assassinations or assassination attempts? I think it has something to do with societal disconnect. I think that many of us Americans have lost or are losing our sense of community. There are good Samaritans yes, but on the whole, I think we are many of us closing ourselves off from each other. I know it’s happening to me. We delude ourselves into thinking we are reaching out when we text a friend “R-U-OK?” The fact is our social skills are eroding, and we are many of us getting more and more closed off. This Loughner guy was very likely mentally ill, and I doubt anybody knows exactly why he snapped. I am suggesting that more of the sick and hopeless are getting swept under the rug, and that in a society where we become increasingly disconnected, those time bombs are going off more and more. If people are alienated, if they feel hopeless, wouldn’t it be infinitely more effective to figure out why and to take measures to remedy that societal ill than it would be to try and control the hopelessly abundant supply of guns? As with any disease, you want to get at the root, not merely address the symptoms. I heard one anti-gun politician saying that if we simply made it harder to get the bigger magazines that hold more bullets, this would mean that these crazy killers couldn’t kill as fast. Does anyone else see the absurdity, the myopic insanity of that argument? Diffuse the emotional bomb and the weapons will not be as great a threat. If it's a mental health problem, teach people how they should react if they think someone is dangerous and needs help.In an interview last week, Bill Maher, the great offender, suggested that perhaps in our attempts to cut costs, we’ve made mental health care a lower priority. Maybe we should spend more to address mental illness and less on ineffective gun reform. Meanwhile, I am glad to hear that Congresswoman Giffords has survived and is holding her own in the hospital.

Africa was in the news twice last week. First, Sudan voted in a referendum to divide the country in two with a Christian half and a Muslim half. Good luck with that. Second, Tunisians just ousted President Ben Ali, their president for the past 23 years, after a long period of growing political unrest. Now we have to worry about Tunisia too? Did anybody see the “60 Minutes” segment last night on Yemen? I think their national anthem must begin with “Swim in blood, Western Satan dogs…” What a hornet's nest that country is; it’s like an entire country populated with Jered Loughners. Maybe we could put them all in one place. I suggest the Northwest Territories.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 1/10/11

There was a big debate last week over the “rules” governing art, because someone in their infinite wisdom decided it was time to sanitize several of Mark Twain’s works in order not to offend young children. Rewriting Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer to eliminate the “n” word might be politically correct, but it is also absurd. Of 495 people polled in the Washington Post survey, an overwhelming 98 per cent (including me) did not think the work should be rewritten to be less offensive. As one reader suggested, and I agree, HISTORY is offensive, and we don’t learn to be better people by ignoring the things man has done wrong. This baby-on-board-protect-us-from-everything mentality really riles me. By the way, substituting the word “slave” for the other word might be equally offensive to some. The issue seems to be whether or not it is correct to make an impressionable young student read the work with so many references to that offensive word, and that is a different subject. But don’t rewrite the book!



Here’s a new way man can screw up his environment. Thousands of red winged blackbirds were discovered dead in Arkansas, and it has been suggested that the deaths might have been caused by a New Years Eve fireworks display. I guess it happened a few places around the world. Oops. I had a spooky moment in Buffalo a few weeks ago. As I walked back to the garage to get my car, I noticed many hundreds of blackbirds, mostly crows I think, perched in the trees around our house. I’ve never seen that many birds in one place before, and it reminded me of that creepy Hitchcock movie “The Birds”. I recently saw part of that movie again and, as scary as it was the first time around, the special effects from 1963 look pretty silly by today’s standards. I don’t know what kind of hairspray Tippy Hedren used, but it certainly was bird proof. Maybe those crows in Buffalo were upset about the loss of their relatives in Arkansas, kind of a million bird march. Maybe they just don’t like Mark Twain.
And elsewhere in the news this week …

If you were planning on visiting Rockhampton, Australia in the northeastern section of the continent, you might want to wait until the flood waters subside. Heavy rains have caused flood-swollen rivers in that region to rise as much as thirty feet above their normal levels, and huge parts of Queensland are underwater at present. Canada is in mourning after the Canadian Junior Men’s Hockey team completely choked in Buffalo during the gold medal round with Russia. I watched the game and my jaw hit the floor. After dominating the game in the first two periods, and commanding a three goal lead, the Canadians completely choked in the third period and lost the game 5-3. To their credit, the Russian team pulled off a stunning comeback, as they had in several of their previous games, and they absolutely deserved to win. It's not as if I’ve never seen a hockey team choke before; after all, I AM a Leafs and a Sabres fan. Still, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen an all-Canadian hockey team fall apart so completely, during a playoff game, and in front of an arena packed with Canadian fans. Once again, I think a lot of people around the world are chuckling, because Canadians so publicly pride themselves on being the best hockey players in the world. Michael Jackson’s rent-a-doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, is presently on trial for his alleged mishandling of his high profile patient. The guy was earning $150,000 per month apparently to be Jackson’s personal drug dealer. Prosecutors claim that, when Murray discovered the unconscious Jackson, his actions were suspicious. He waited a rather long time before he called 911, and he scrambled to hide some of Jackson’s prescription medications. Nobody really knows if Jackson could have been saved, but it sure looks like his doctor(s) dropped the ball. There will likely be much debate over whether or not Murray was wrong to have administered the powerful anesthesia Propofol to Jackson. One of the paramedics called to the scene that day (June 25, 2009) testified that when he first saw Jackson’s lifeless, emaciated body, he thought he was dealing with a hospice patient. I’ve never been a huge Jackson fan, but I recently saw “This is It”, the movie which recorded those last rehearsals for the ill-fated world tour. I was amazed by how talented Jackson still was, even near the end. I can’t imagine how much better he must have been in his “Thriller” days. Chalk up another victim to the demon showbiz.


Final note. Yesterday I took my recently-turned-86 mother-in-law out on the ATV for a blast around snowy Katrine and she loved it. She’s an inspiration to those fifty-somethings (like me) among us who are beginning to complain about slowing down. I hope I’m as good a sport when and if I reach my eighties!



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 1/3/11

Happy 2011 Gentle Readers! Miss Manners refers to her readers as “gentle readers” and this year I resolve to be more like Miss Manners. I’m sure all of you are itching to know how a whirling dervish of energy and excitement such as me spent my New Year’s Eve, so here goes. Early in the day, I picked up Shauna’s parents on my way back from Buffalo and drove them up to Jasper Bark Lodge. Early in the evening on New Year‘s Eve, we watched the Canadian Junior hockey team lose to Sweden in a shootout, prompting the consumption of my first malt beverage. I can’t catch a break with any of my hockey teams this year! My pal Bob took me to a Sabres game on my last visit to Buffalo (first NHL game I‘ve attended in years), and the Sabres came from a 0-3 deficit to tie the game up, only to lose the game 3-4. I think that in 2011, I’ll resolve to watch less hockey and more curling. We had a lovely salmon dinner at Jasper Bark Lodge, accompanied on my part by several more sparkling malt beverages, then watched the various summaries of 2010 on T.V. You can all go out and enjoy your black tie events; give me Anderson and Kathy in my jeans any day. I suppose I have attained full blown codgerdom, because I am perfectly happy to “potato out” on the couch and take in the bleachers perspective. I love to hear those best and worst summaries, and of course the notable events of the past year.



On one end of the significance scale, we had the horrendous earthquake in Haiti, which killed over 200,000 people and left more than a million homeless. Another big news story was the BP oil spill, which I believe (and hope) is the worst environmental disaster ever to befall North America. There was mention of the Republican political sweep in November, a not-so-subtle message from the voters that they‘ve changed their motto from “Yes We Can!” to “Oh NoYou Don‘t!” And then, on the other end of the significance spectrum, from the sublime to the ridiculous, there was mention of the bedbug epidemic in New York City, as well as the Madonna-like popularity of Lady Gaga. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen won the celebrity bonehead awards for bad behavior. At Midnight, I watched the ball drop in Times Square, I watched the guitar drop -- or should I say partially drop -- in Nashville; I even watched a transvestite named Sushi lowered from the second story of a building in Key West, Florida, sitting in a giant slipper. That 14 year old tradition is one of my favorites. Muslims make a pilgrimage to Mecca to walk around in a circle, and I aspire to make my pilgrimage to Key West in order to see the transvestite lowered in a slipper as the clock strikes Twelve on New Year‘s Day. It was amusing to see CNN’s John Zarrella, whom I best remember for his Florida hurricane coverage, flanked by Sushi and another wisecracking transvestites dressed up to look like Cher (and if you’ve seen Cher lately, you know that’s not much of a stretch) after the “slipper drop.” I think CNN has really locked up the gay/transgender audience. You don’t see Dick Clark fraternizing with transvestites, do you? Then again, come to think of it, who knows what Ryan Seacrest does in his spare time? There is something vaguely hermaphroditic and sexually ambiguous about Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper announcing the ball drop for CNN in Time’s Square. Keeps me on my toes.


As I began this report earlier in the week, the East Coast was digging out from a horrendous Christmas blizzard that dumped close to three feet of snow in parts of downstate New York, and left a lot of people celebrating their holiday in airports. We, up in the Great White North, got a lot of rain and above freezing temperatures. La Nina has so far been gentle to the Great White North, but today, as I finish writing this report on Sunday, the snow is beginning to fall again.


Finally, I have my usual unrealistic list of wishes for the New Year. I have a re-occurring pipe dream that a lot of problems would simply go away if we paid (some) teachers more and (most) lawyers less. We’d have a better educated, possibly more productive population, and less inclination to waste money on frivolous lawsuits. I’d like a public broadcast of Bernie Madoff, stripped naked and left in a large gym surrounded by all the investors he bilked, who could then unleash their hollow vengeance on him armed with high-powered paintball guns. I don’t want him to die, I simply want him badly bruised and humiliated. I believe this would be therapeutic for our nation. I’d like Israel and Palestine to finally make peace, solar-powered desalination plants dotting the coastlines of parched Third World countries, and finally, I wouldn’t mind terribly if Sarah Palin’s gun backfired. Welcome to 2011, this is your loyal, albeit dysfunctional, purveyor of the truth, ushering in year nineteen of the Oppenheimer Report. Save the whales, for last.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED