The Oppenheimer Report 2/22/10

Last Friday, while I was driving around Buffalo on one of my several trips from the lawyer’s office to the accountant’s, I listened to a little of the discussion on the radio about Tiger Woods’ public apology. There was comprehensive analysis of his body English, much discussion about the fact that he was reading from a script, about the fact that his wife Elin was not there by his side, about whether or not his apology sincere, speculation about whether or not he would rejoin the PGA tour this year, etc. etc. The big question on everybody’s mind … will Tiger have to be gelded? I think this is much ado about nothing. It occurs to me that the latest U.S. offensive in Marjah, Afghanistan is marginally more newsworthy than the sexual indiscretions of an obscenely rich American golf star, but then, what do I know? And who decided that celebrities and professional athletes should be our role models? I’m always pleasantly surprised when I hear one of those bozos speak and they AREN’T misinformed about their own importance. It should have been clear to me by now that in general, we Americans (read I) favor tabloid sensationalism and scandal over anything resembling “hard” or legitimate news.




As always, I’ve enjoyed watching the coverage of the Winter Olympics. Last night’s big hockey game between the U.S. and Canada was quite the upset. I understand that tickets to that game were selling on the streets of Vancouver for upwards of $6000.00 per ticket, and Canada was widely favored to win. Tickets are likely to go for double that figure if Canada does well in the medal rounds. Still, you never can tell who’s going to shine in the Olympics, and the Americans surprised almost everyone, cinching the game with a last minute empty net goal to win 5-3. There was tremendous pressure on the Canadian men’s hockey team to win gold on home ice, and yet the other night they had struggled with the Swiss team, whom they were favored to beat handily, barely winning that one on a shoot out goal by superstar Sydney Crosby. I think all the hype about hockey being “Canada’s Game” might have hurt the Canadian team. Indeed, Canada probably has the better team, at least on paper, but this last game was not another David and Goliath re-enactment of the Lake Placid “Miracle on Ice” … this game really boiled down to the stronger goaltender. Buffalo Sabres goalie Ryan Miller was simply better than Canadian goalie Martin Brodeur, in that game. It ain’t over til it’s over and nobody can predict what will happen in the medal rounds, but that game last night is what makes the Olympics so exciting to me. All this nonsense about Canada’s game on Canada’s turf is, from what I’ve observed about the country, in my seventeen years living there, uncharacteristic of Canadians. Canadians are, by enlarge, modest people. And yes, they are patriotic, but not jingoistic about their country. As an ex-patriot, living in Canada, I have cheered on and honestly celebrated many of the Canadian victories. I have quite reluctantly donned the cape of masochism and developed into a huge Leafs fan. I know, I know!! It’s fun to watch anybody win at the Olympics, especially when you think about the sacrifice most athletes make to become Olympians. This past week, dark horses have emerged in every event and from every country (well, maybe not Andorra)… from speed skating to ski jumping. Of course the big countries usually win more medals, but not always. I loved watching Netherlands speed skater Mark Tauter win gold the other night, beating out the American favorite Shani Davis, because he looked so exhilarated and excited. I really didn’t think an American had a chance in Men’s Figure Skating against the indomitable Russian Yevgny Plushenko, but then Evan Lysacek won the gold. I don’t deny that I sometimes grumble when one country seems to dominate a sport. In general, I’m rooting for the underdog, and in the Olympics, that can be anyone. So Canada, I say this to you … you still produce some of the finest hockey players in the world … but the world is a big place. Next game, less hype, more focus! By the way, you’re not out of it yet, and just remember, you’re something like 8-0 in Curling, so that‘s something (hee hee). Final note: answer me this, why are there two different one-man sliding competitions, the skeleton and the luge? Facing forwards or backwards … pick one. I think there should be a competition wherein the competitors go down the track standing on skates.



Final note … a moment of silence for former Secretary of State Alexander Haig who croaked last week at 85. When Reagan was shot he was the guy widely criticized for proclaiming “I’m in charge now!” Apparently he was a little unclear on the chain of command. As we so often say in politics … oops!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report - 2/15/10

As I begin writing this week’s report my father-in-law is getting his first decent haircut in perhaps sixty or seventy years. This is not to say that he has been growing his hair for that long, but for the last six decades he’s been doing it himself. The predominant flaw in his technique is that he employs the comb over, and my father-in-law is a textbook example for why the comb over does not work. The other day, the wind caught his hair and blew his six or seven strands of three foot long, woven, comb over hair into a hairstyle that would have made Cyndie Lauper blush. Finally, the other night, there was a family intervention, and the result is that he VERY reluctantly agreed to allow Shauna to cut his hair. During the haircut, he bitched so much that you’d think he was having his testicles lopped off. The mere fact that the comb over has now been removed is a remarkable improvement, and now that she has put the finishing touches on the haircut, I can see that the ridiculosity (new synonym for ridiculousness) is gone.



I watched this haircut with some satisfaction, because not long after Shauna and I were married, I agreed to let Dad Taylor give me a haircut. That was a terrible decision. I suppose I didn’t want to offend him, and thought I was being a good sport. With one sweep of his hair whiz, basically a comb with an attached razor, he hacked off a fist full of my hair, leaving a huge bald spot in my then full (if thinning) head of hair. It took a long time to fix that mistake. I now look upon the hair whiz as an instrument of terror, and to this day I have not completely forgiven him. He’s been using that thing on his own hair for years, which is somewhat akin to using a circular saw to trim one’s toenails.


Does anybody out there remember the “Flo-Bee”? That was a device that vacuumed and cut your hair at the same time. I used to love their T.V. ads, because it was just such a silly machine. There have been many crazy haircutting tools invented over the years, and I can’t think of one that really works. I still prefer the old fashioned way, and I leave my haircutting duties in the hands of a professional. Now that I am essentially bald, my haircuts are pretty simple; I keep my hair very short these days, and a haircut consists of five or six passes with the electric clippers, and then a little touch up with a pair of scissors. I could probably do that myself, with a little practice, but don’t feel like it. I’m funny enough looking to begin with, I don‘t need to compound the problem.


Friday night we watched the opening ceremonies of the Vancouver Winter Olympics, and short of a the indoor torch malfunctioning during the lighting ceremony (one of the hydraulic arms failed to lift), for all the world to see, I thought the ceremony was very entertaining. I could have done without the opera singer. K.D. Lang singing her version of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujiah” was my favorite part of the ceremony. That is a great song, and I thought she sang it beautifully. Certainly the excitement was tempered by the tragic death of Georgian luge star Nodal Kumaritashvili, who lost control on a practice run Friday morning and was killed instantly when his body slammed against a guard rail. I was shocked to see a video of the entire accident on the news that night. They figure he was going about 87 MPH when he flew off the track. Now there are questions about whether or not the track was too fast, and they‘ve shortened the run as well as raised the crash wall. I was amused to see that the Cayman Islands has  representatives at this year’s Winter Olympics. We were wondering in which events they were participating (winter banking??), at which point Shauna piped in: “frozen assets”. Hee hee. I’d never heard of one country before, The Principality of Andorra (dubious internet fact: population 83,888), stuck in the Pyrenees Mountains between France and Spain. I could have done without the ten minute coverage of Wayne Gretzky, standing in the back of a truck, driving through the streets of Vancouver to light the outdoor torch down by the waterfront. Now for the events. As I finish this report on Sunday evening, Alexandre Bilodeau has just won gold in the Men’s Freestyle ski competition, making him the very first Canadian EVER to win gold at home. Based on the fact that Toronto absolutely erupted simply because the Leafs made the quarter or semi finals of the Stanley Cup Playoffs (years ago), I think there will be some serious partying all across Canada tonight to celebrate this momentous event ...
right on, eh!
Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 2/8/10

Well, it’s that time of year again, when we put our collective, misguided faith in a fat rodent to predict when winter will end. This year, I feel honor bound to at least touch on the absurdity of this custom, and on the shenanigans that yearly accompany it. I don’t know where the time has gone; it seemed like only yesterday that I was freezing my tuchas off. Wait a minute, that WAS yesterday! I don’t need some fat rat jiving me into thinking that this misery will soon be over. The other day, I heard something on the news that made me chuckle. Apparently, there is a new animal rights controversy brewing, this time involving groundhogs. The all knowing, all-feeling folks over at PETA (People who Excel at Thinking Abnormally) have decided that the whole Groundhog Day thing is traumatizing to Punxatawny Phil, America’s most famous groundhog celebrity. The PETArds (hey, sue me, I’m not the White House Press Secretary) are suggesting that Phil be replaced with a robotic counterpart, reasoning that the Groundhog Day ceremony is traumatic. With all those cameras flashing and people screaming, some suggest that all this fanfare is cruel and unsettling to the groundhog. You know what else is cruel and unsettling? Mother Nature! I concede that there is potential for animal abuse here, and groundhog handlers have been known to drop the ball. I remind you of Canada’s big groundhog scandal five or ten years ago, “Wiarton Willliegate,” wherein the town fathers of Wiarton, Ontario, accidentally murdered Willie, their albino groundhog weather animal, under suspicious circumstances. I can’t remember all the details, but there was a big cover up. Documents were shredded, drugs and alcohol were involved, child pornography was found on the deceased groundhog’s computer; it was a mess. Are we taking advantage of poor defenseless creatures here? I think not. I believe some of the responsibility lies with the animals themselves. I still maintain that Willie was a crack head. Phil has been perfectly willing to accept his town financed, solar-heated, cable-ready hibernation chamber, along with all the perks and endorsements associated with being America’s most popular groundhog weather forecaster, including but not limited to a monthly $500 credit at Whole Foods, and part ownership of a local carrot farm. If, in the course of his forecasting duties, he is forced to endure some of the indignities of celebrity, well, suck it up mister! If some drug-addled spectator, unhappy with the prospect of more than six weeks of winter should hurl a beer bottle at our furry rodent messenger, shrug it off. It happens to rock stars all the time. You should try being a weatherman in Buffalo … those guys constantly get death threats and abuse … You don’t hear any of them complaining.




Toyota was always considered to be one of the best automakers, so what happened? Problems with the accelerators on some of their vehicles have prompted a major recall and I just heard that the Japanese automaker has suffered over $1 Billion in lost sales because of the problem. Ouch. I’d still rather have a Toyota than one of those overpriced stool softeners on wheels that GM for so many years produced.



Last night, The New Orleans Saints beat the unstoppable Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts 31-17 in Superbowl XLIV, whatever number that is. Though I didn’t have a favorite going into the game, I think the Saints were the underdogs and, coupled with all the challenges that New Orleans has faced since Hurricane Katrina practically washed it off the map, I’m glad they came from behind to win so decisively. I watched The Who perform during the halftime show, and they sounded pretty good. I’m not a big Who fan, but I really like the “Who’s Next” and “Quadraphenia” albums. It‘s funny, because the other night I watched about fifteen minutes of a Who concert filmed at the Isle of Wight concert back in the Seventies. I think they sounded better last night. Back in 1977 when I was still “in university” as the Canadians say, I drove from Hartford Connecticut to Boston to see The Who perform. After waiting an awfully long time for them to come on, I heard them play one song, and then announce that they could not play anymore because wild man (and soon to be deceased) drummer Keith Moon “had the flu”. Moon was so drunk and wasted that he could hardly hold his drum sticks. I think he even threw up on his drum set, although we were too far away to see. The Boston audience was not amused, and there was a near riot. While there was a makeup concert scheduled, I never did get to see them perform live. Having watched some of the Isle of Wight concert, I’m not that disappointed. I guess Keith Moon and “Wiarton Willie” have something in common .

I can’t say it enough … showbiz ain’t pretty.



Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2010 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED