The Oppenheimer Report 12/30/09

Hope you all had a very happy holiday. I spent the last week down in Buffalo attending to the various needs of my Mom and to visit with some cousins who were in from California. This year, we had rain for Christmas Day, but two days later I found myself driving in near white out conditions. Boy, do I miss those little lake effect snowstorms! It was a good chance to try out my new Blizzak snow tires.

I am writing this report on a brand new laptop I purchased on Boxing Day. We still need to get the other one fixed, but we also needed an upgraded computer, and this one cost about as much as the other one will cost to fix. Of greatest concern is the information we had not yet backed up from the old hard drive that crashed. Thankfully, our computer guru managed to recover most of it. I am constantly amazed by the relentless march of technology, and this new laptop, which cost about $500.00, comes with a large, high definition screen, a big hard drive, a DVD burner, and all the bells and whistles I‘ll never figure out how to use. My only fear is that Windows 7, the newest Microsoft operating system, will prove to be as much of a disaster as Vista was. I had no real problems with Windows XP, and wonder why Microsoft keeps screwing up their “improvements”. Really, all I use this thing for is to write my reports and to post them to my blog. As with any new software, there is a learning curve, but that's progress.
 

In the past six months, I have become almost completely reliant on reading glasses. The last time I went to the eye doctor, over a year a go, he said I’d need glasses to read from now on, but I didn‘t believe him. There were months of denial before the truth sank in. Then, I reluctantly purchased a pair of dollar store glasses, which worked great. The problem was that I never had them with me when I needed them. Subsequently, I have probably purchased at least fifteen pairs of dollar store glasses, and I have no idea where any of them are. I can’t stand those things that attach to the glasses and hang around my neck; I find them annoying. If I wear a shirt with a pocket it’s no problem, but often my shirts have no pockets. If I put them in my pants pocket, I usually end up breaking or bending them. Now my strategy is to have a pair in every room of the house, and to leave them there. I keep two pair in the car, because I can’t read a map without them. What really burns me is that EVERYTHING is in minute print these days. Instructions on frozen food boxes, directions for appliances …  have you ever tried to read the ingredients on the back of a shampoo bottle? Fuggetabottit.

As the New Year approaches, we are once again bombarded with reports of the omnipresent danger which surrounds us. Some would-be terrorist named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to blow up a Detroit-bound jet on Christmas Day by igniting a bomb sewn into his underpants. If I hear one more joke alluding to a “briefing” I’m going to puke. Luckily, no one was hurt, but certainly this was a red flag that airport security isn’t working. How did this bozo get on a plane wearing explosives??? I fear we will soon be awakened from our complacency when one of these zealous fools succeeds. By the way, I thought Reid "The Shoe Bomber" was bad, but how would you like to spend the rest of your days in prison listening to your inmates refer to you as “Umar the Underpants Bomber?”

As we bid adieu to another year, there will be the lists of famous people who died and a reprise of all the year’s momentous events. For me, 2009 will be most memorable as the year we finally moved into Jasper Bark Lodge. That little project consumed the past three years of our lives and there is still work to be done. May I suggest that if any of you decide to embark on a journey to build a custom log home … don’t do it. You might lose your mind. As we approach 2010, I generally resolve to be a good son to all my remaining parents, and, once again, not to say nasty things about the French. Happy New Year. Watch your balls drop, whack your piñatas (oh my), and let professionals do the driving. Have a happy healthy 2010!

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The Oppenheimer Report 12/21/09

Ho friggin'ho! Up in the Great White North we've recently had the deep freeze that so paralyzed the western provinces last week. I heard a statisitic on the news indicating that, one day last week, Edmonton, Alberta was the coldest place IN THE WORLD. Last Thursday was one of those deep freeze days here in Ontario, and we had some difficulty getting in and out of our long driveway. Though we are regularly plowed out, temperature fluctuations left our drive icy. Because I was testing out our new snowblower, I think our plow guy thought we didn't need him that day, and consequently, we have a driveway which is, at present, icy and unevenly plowed. Two wheel drive vehicles will get stuck, and even my four wheel drive was having some trouble. I finally bit the bullet and bought a set of Blizzak radial snows for my vehicle. All season radials are fine for the city, but they don't really cut the ketchup in the Great White North. As a friend pointed out from personal exoerience, one wants all the traction insurance one can get up here. I'm impressed with the new Blizzaks; they seem to grab even on ice.

Someone told me this was going to be a milder winter than the past two were, but so far, other than starting a little later (is today the official winter soltice ... I know it's soon?), the bad weather seems to be about the same. I read that Minden, Ontario, not so far from us, received about 140 centimeters of snow in one 48 hour period. Yowza, that's a lot of snow! Now the East Coast is getting hammered. Perfect timing for Obama's recent trip to Copenhagen to attend the climate change conference. Amidst violent protests in the streets, leaders came away with some kind of (likely unrealistic) agreement to lower greenhouse gases, measured I think by a goal to lower the global temperature by 2 degrees C. And it will only cost $800 Billion and bankrupt most Third World nations. This all sounds great on paper, but so far, nobody seems to have figured out how we go green AND grow our voracious economies. Does anybody in their right mind believe that the U.S. and China will comply? I wonder how much jet fuel is sucked up flying all these world leaders to their respective summits in order to decide how to save the world. Ever hear of video conferencing? As I was waiting for my new snow tires to be installed, I picked up a recent issue of Road and Track. Clearly GM is not completely on board with the concept of reducing our carbon footprint. Take Chevy for instance ... they're putting out a new Corvette that delivers over 700 hp, and the stock Camaro V-8 puts out over 400hp. Our bailout dollars at work.

And speaking of conspicuous consumption, director James Cameron's latest mega-movie "Avatar" was released last weekend. His last big flick, "Titanic" was certainly a box office success, but this latest big budget monster opened to mixed revues. I understand the movie, a 3-D sci-fi epic (2hrs and 40 min.), was 15 years in the making and cost around $250Million to produce (chicken feed for the U.S. Treasury) ... not including the ADDITIONAL $150 Million for MARKETING. Doesn't almost half a billion dollars seem a bit costly for one movie? I wonder how much it cost to make "The Big Chill" or "Little Miss Sunshine"... and were there even marketing budgets for those movies?? Hel-lo ... less special effects, better writing!

Final Christmas tip: if you still haven't bought your loved one something for Christmas, may I suggest one of Tiger Woods' Gatorade drinks ... very collectible amd soon to be rare. By the way, Merry Christmas to the PGA! Seriously though, may you all experience peace and contentment this holiday season, and may that peace and contentlment spread like wildfire through the hearts and souls of those who need it most. Hug your child, share some humor, shovel your neighbor's walk, or, as in my case, just try not to be as miserable and ornery as you usuually are. And Santa, remember, no booze on Christmas Eve.

Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Oppenheimer Report 12-14-09

It’s the deep freeze out west and here in Ontario we’re getting record amounts of snow. At present, I am writing this report on an old laptop I used to use only for travel, because the good laptop up north crashed last week and with it our email and internet access. In speaking with our computer guru in Toronto, it is clear that this isn’t one of those problems he can walk us through over the phone. Last Wednesday, I was going to drive the machine down to him, but low and behold, there was a winter storm warning and predictions of seriously bad weather around and due south of us. I’ve driven through enough whiteouts and squalls to know I didn’t want to deal with that. We then had the brilliant idea to send the computer down to Toronto by Purolator, so I packed it up and left it at the designated location nearby for a Friday pick-up. Friday morning I got a call saying that the package was not picked up, because all deliveries were cancelled due to ANOTHER major storm. Apparently, the Town of Huntsville got walloped with around 80cm of snow and much of the town was closed, as were parts of Hwy 11, the main route down to Toronto. It’s very odd, because I’d been to Huntsville about five hours before this storm hit, and while there was snow on the ground from the last storm, there was no sign of the impending squall. When I was walking out of Shopper’s Humungous Drug Warehouse, I overheard two locals talking about the warnings of the imminent major snowstorm, and they were shrugging off the warnings as a “sky-is-falling” prediction. Guess they were mistaken. These storms are lake effect squalls or “streamers”, not unlike the lake effect storms I used to experience in Buffalo off Lake Erie. They set up over Georgian Bay and what is unusual about these storms is that they often travel in narrow bands. Huntsville and south to Gravenhurst were hit badly -- some places got over 100cm of snow -- and the storm extended east in a narrow band about 80-100 kilometers. 30 kilometers to the north, in Katrine, we didn't have nearly as much snow. We were out of that band.

Back about twenty-five years ago, when I was still an avid skier, one Friday night I and a friend were driving down to ski country south of Buffalo in my little Ford Fiesta, and we drove into one of those lake effect streamers. It came out of nowhere and before we knew it, we were in big trouble. Visibility was nil, the wind was blowing strong, and road became so covered with snow that it was impossible to tell where we were going. All road signs were completely unreadable, and the drifting snow was almost to the top of the mile markers in the side of the road. At one point, I stopped the car, on a major highway, got out and unfroze the wiper blades. When I looked around, I could see that we were the only car on the road. I nervously got back in the car and crept to the next visible exit. As I pulled off, I could see the blinking yellow lights of ten or twenty other cars and trucks in the same predicament, parked and waiting for the storm to abate. You’ll probably laugh to hear me say that one of the best cars I ever owned for driving in the snow was my 1970 VW Beetle. That thing had great traction, and if it did get stuck, it was light and fairly easy to move. The worst car for snow was my AMC Hornet station wagon.

Last Friday night we lit the first candles of Chanukah, so Happy Chanukah to all the members of my tribe. Only ten shopping days left until X-mas. If you’re at a loss for what to get that not-so-special someone who is nevertheless enthralled by your unfailing sense of humor, fear not! Google the Museum of Bad art, or MOBA for short; those guys have a slew of tacky gifts. If you don’t like that idea, there’s no finer gift than a Weekly World News Headline tee shirt. My favorite headlines: “BatBoy Lives!” and “Woman Killed by Mink Coat”. Seasons Beatings! Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Oppenheimer Report 12/8/09

In the news last week, President Obama announced plans to send 30,000 U.S. troops into Afghanistan to fight the Taliban. It’s interesting to me that he can on the one hand decry the troop surge in Iraq and then turn around and endorse essentially the same thing in Afghanistan. The more I watch and read about this situation, the more I don’t like it. More troops in Afghanistan puts more pressure on Pakistan, and America already has a public relations problem there. I don’t think we need more terrorists mobilizing in a country that has nuclear explosives. Speaking of PR …

Stateside, the big news last week was a scandal surrounding golf celebrity Tiger Woods. First, I heard that Tiger had been in a car accident and was “seriously” injured. Then, I heard he’d been almost immediately released from the hospital, and I thought, “o.k., it couldn’t have been all that serious.” Afterwards, I heard about a National Enquirer story alleging that Woods had cheated on his wife, and the plot thickened. The alleged mistress denied having an affair with Woods, but then out came Jaimee Grubb (appropriately named?), who claimed SHE had had a two and one half year fling with Tiger. That revelation prompted a public apology from Woods for his various “indiscretions”. Of course, there was rampant speculation about the car crash near his home in Orlando. Did he have a big fight with his wife Elin Nordegren over the infidelity, prompting him to storm off in his Caddy SUV and crash into a fire hydrant? Did Elin smash out the back window of his vehicle to save him or bash his head in with his own golf clubs? Who cares? Well, I do; I live and breathe to find out how rich and famous people sabotage their good fortune. Tiger should have followed the teachings of Dave Letterman and nipped the whole thing at the bud. Letterman was a master at disarming a potential public relations nightmare when he immediately confessed to his wrongdoings and publicly apologized for all the people he’d hurt. All Tiger had to do was bite the bullet, and say “Yes, I was a hound dog, yes, I cheated on my wife, and yes, we had a fight over it. Now the story is metastasizing. Other women are coming forward with allegations that Tiger slept with them. There was a big debate on CNN yesterday about whether the private lives of celebrities is any of our business (the same CNN that basically paid the bills for years by covering the O.J. trial). It probably isn’t, but we as a society (read I) have an insatiable appetite for reports of human failure. Tiger bogeyed big time when he attacked the press. Sorry, bad press is an unfortunate by-product of celebrity. Once the scandal is revealed, lick your wounds, lay low until the dust settles, then work on damage control. Eventually, the hyenas will move on to the next carcass. It’s amazing what people will forget given enough time. Do you think anyone besides Ken Starr is still talking about Bill Clinton’s oral adventure?

In anticipation of the horrible winters we had in the past two years, we bought a snow blower for the house in Katrine. Based on recommendations of local residents, we purchased one with a 27” cut. We had a pretty good dumping last Friday, and it seems to do the trick. Of course, we have a guy to plow as well, but the snow blower is insurance. According to my nephew the weatherman, it should be a milder winter than were the past two, but I’m shell-shocked. Final note , I was in Wal-Mart the other day and noticed they now sell an IPod Touch with 64 gigabytes of memory. Great gift idea for the holidays, but does anyone really have 6000 record albums they listen to regularly? Hey, it beats a salad shooter. Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c 2009 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.