Dear Readers ... I wrote the following entry a few weeks ago, and never got around to posting it. I hope to be back to my weekly blogs in a few weeks. Fairly soon, all decisions regarding the new house will be out of our hands, and hopefully we can resume something resembling a normal life. Thanks for reading! Jamie
4/1/08 - Happy April Fools Day! For my part, I called up the drug dealers across the street and told them they’d won a refrigerator. You should have seen them outside in the frigid air (play on words) waiting for their appliance in their tee shirts. Hee hee.
Recently, I saw a funny commercial advertising some cell phone company. In it, a guy was walking down the feminine napkin aisle of a store, looking appropriately puzzled, holding his cell phone (with video capability) up to the selections, so that his wife, on the other end of the line, could make her decidedly personal choice. I wonder how many husbands really do this for their wives. I do, because I adore my wife, and because, out of necessity, I do most of the shopping for our family.
The other day, I was in the above-mentioned and much-reviled-by-men aisle of a supermarket in Huntsville, without the benefits of video capability on my cell phone, and found myself in a similar situation. Shauna wanted to try some new product for which she’d received a sample, and she tried to describe the package to me over the phone. The problem is that, if you’ve ever been in the no man’s land of feminine napkins, you know that the possibilities are mind-numbing. There I stood in front of a veritable mountain range of different brands, so stacked as to look like the same product … but noooo! Each one is subtly different. In the “Always” brand alone, there must have been twenty different options from which to choose. There I was, in that supermarket, looking for that which Shauna had requested, and I became distracted by the Always panty liner selections. I began reading off the various characteristics of those panty liners, out loud, into my cell phone, in front of puzzled passers-by, and finally, it got so ridiculous, that Shauna and I both broke into hysterical laughter. Would we prefer the Always, Super Maxi Thin panty liners in short, medium, long, or how-the-heck-big-IS-your-crotch-lady? Do we want the fresh-scented (as opposed to what …rotting Autumn leaves … garlic breath?), unscented, or fumigated … Dri-Weave (as opposed to swampy and porous??) … Comfort Plus Security? No thanks, I’ll settle for the uncomfortable, regular “you-snooze-you-lose”, take your chances ones which, by the way, WILL leak, probably while you’re in your car on a major thoroughfare, in between rest stops? Do you want to feel like the cold refreshing blast of a mountain wind, dancing through our hair, or the gentle whisper of a summer-fresh breeze? What schmuck gets paid to dream up this hyperbolic nonsense? And then there are different shapes. There is even a thong panty liner, which begs the obvious question, WHY for heaven’s sake, would you wear a thong if you require a panty liner??!!! In what universe are you residing, if you think this could be even remotely sexy. I wonder if Monica Lewinsky wore thong panty liners when she had her little trysts with Bill. I think not! There is of course the trusty “regular” style, and my favorite: the extra honking, humungous, covers the most real estate, and looks-like-a-giant-quilted-manhole cover, panty liner, for the serious leaker. If I were a woman, I would not be caught dead at the checkout counter with something like that. I’d get my presumably much smaller husband to buy them for me . Those puppies look like they are designed to hold a litre of Coke. My feeling is that, if you need a panty liner that is THAT heavy duty, it’s time to consider adult diapers, because you, my friend, are in denial. I had some helpful suggestions for Always … limit the choices, and change your packaging. Don’t make the “Always Hemorrhoids” look exactly like the “Always Incontinent”, which in turn looks like the Always “Menapusal”. I find myself plagued with more questions than answers. How does a woman choose … panty liners, tampons, napkins, diapers … corks? Final observation: Why is it that the more disgusting the function of a product, the more deceiving is the packaging? Panty liners are designed to soak up urine, blood, and heaven knows what else. Would not the colors red and brown be more appropriate signature colors; pink with daisies and hummingbirds is somewhat misleading.
Anyhow, I may insist that Shauna come with me the next time, purchase a six month supply of whatever product she so desires, and NEVER be faced with this humiliating dilemma again. Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2008 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Recently, I saw a funny commercial advertising some cell phone company. In it, a guy was walking down the feminine napkin aisle of a store, looking appropriately puzzled, holding his cell phone (with video capability) up to the selections, so that his wife, on the other end of the line, could make her decidedly personal choice. I wonder how many husbands really do this for their wives. I do, because I adore my wife, and because, out of necessity, I do most of the shopping for our family.
The other day, I was in the above-mentioned and much-reviled-by-men aisle of a supermarket in Huntsville, without the benefits of video capability on my cell phone, and found myself in a similar situation. Shauna wanted to try some new product for which she’d received a sample, and she tried to describe the package to me over the phone. The problem is that, if you’ve ever been in the no man’s land of feminine napkins, you know that the possibilities are mind-numbing. There I stood in front of a veritable mountain range of different brands, so stacked as to look like the same product … but noooo! Each one is subtly different. In the “Always” brand alone, there must have been twenty different options from which to choose. There I was, in that supermarket, looking for that which Shauna had requested, and I became distracted by the Always panty liner selections. I began reading off the various characteristics of those panty liners, out loud, into my cell phone, in front of puzzled passers-by, and finally, it got so ridiculous, that Shauna and I both broke into hysterical laughter. Would we prefer the Always, Super Maxi Thin panty liners in short, medium, long, or how-the-heck-big-IS-your-crotch-lady? Do we want the fresh-scented (as opposed to what …rotting Autumn leaves … garlic breath?), unscented, or fumigated … Dri-Weave (as opposed to swampy and porous??) … Comfort Plus Security? No thanks, I’ll settle for the uncomfortable, regular “you-snooze-you-lose”, take your chances ones which, by the way, WILL leak, probably while you’re in your car on a major thoroughfare, in between rest stops? Do you want to feel like the cold refreshing blast of a mountain wind, dancing through our hair, or the gentle whisper of a summer-fresh breeze? What schmuck gets paid to dream up this hyperbolic nonsense? And then there are different shapes. There is even a thong panty liner, which begs the obvious question, WHY for heaven’s sake, would you wear a thong if you require a panty liner??!!! In what universe are you residing, if you think this could be even remotely sexy. I wonder if Monica Lewinsky wore thong panty liners when she had her little trysts with Bill. I think not! There is of course the trusty “regular” style, and my favorite: the extra honking, humungous, covers the most real estate, and looks-like-a-giant-quilted-manhole cover, panty liner, for the serious leaker. If I were a woman, I would not be caught dead at the checkout counter with something like that. I’d get my presumably much smaller husband to buy them for me . Those puppies look like they are designed to hold a litre of Coke. My feeling is that, if you need a panty liner that is THAT heavy duty, it’s time to consider adult diapers, because you, my friend, are in denial. I had some helpful suggestions for Always … limit the choices, and change your packaging. Don’t make the “Always Hemorrhoids” look exactly like the “Always Incontinent”, which in turn looks like the Always “Menapusal”. I find myself plagued with more questions than answers. How does a woman choose … panty liners, tampons, napkins, diapers … corks? Final observation: Why is it that the more disgusting the function of a product, the more deceiving is the packaging? Panty liners are designed to soak up urine, blood, and heaven knows what else. Would not the colors red and brown be more appropriate signature colors; pink with daisies and hummingbirds is somewhat misleading.
Anyhow, I may insist that Shauna come with me the next time, purchase a six month supply of whatever product she so desires, and NEVER be faced with this humiliating dilemma again. Written by Jamie Oppenheimer c2008 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
